awesome opossom!!!! i think i like this chapter best out of the 3 so far!!!!!!!!! the whole wedding thing is cool! this is the first fanfic i've read involving the wedding!!! ttyl
if you didn't know... I LOVE YOUR STORIES!!!!!!!! keep writing foreverandeverandeverandever!!!!!!! xox ...alice waters
I really liked it. Interesting and great way how u switched back and forth from Lily and James point of view. Please Update Soon!!!
ok i think the two people who reviewed ahead od of me are crazy, mabe as crazy as i am , i don't know but you had a interesting piont of writing , i haven't seen a version where lilys friend likes james update soon pleese
Author's Response: yeah, they're my friends... and we're all insane... but i'm glad you like it! sorry it's taking me so long... but its summer vacation and i've been pretty busy going places and stuff... but i'm done with the 3rd chapter and i'm going to put it up soon!!
I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT. I SAID I WAS FIRST TO REVIEW, BUT I WASN'T..... O WELL. I'M SECOND!!!!!!!!!
o ya!!! i'm the first to submit a review. anyway. i thot the flashbacks were cool. and at first i thot they were annoying then i realized the importance. but anyway i really like this story. i kinda like how james mite end up going out w/ eve, but we don't kno and how sirius and lupin are pressuring him too. it kinda shows how lupin mite like lilly. even tho we don't kno for a fact. but anyway!!!!!!!!! GOOD JOB!! 100 OUT OF 10!!!!
Im sorry, I know I dont do a great job..... My email thing is really bad for editing. I love it anyway, though!!!
I like it. It was kind of confusing in the beginning, i couldn't tell it was summer. Otherwise it's great!
This is really good so far. I have to say that Robyn and Eve seemed more shocked than sad, but that's ok...they were probably more overwhelmed by getting the news so quickly. One more thing, is Alice Nelson the Alice who is Neville's Mom? Because i was pretty sure that her last name was Prewitt before she got married. Anyways, i can't wait for the next update:)
Author's Response: that was Molly Weasley's maiden name. I'm pretty sure Alice's maiden name hasn't been mentioned, but you could be right. Lately I've been a bit screwed up on my HP stuff...
excellent story!! you have a great thing goin on here... i wanna read more!!! hurry up with the next chappie!!!
Nice beginning to your story! It can be difficult to write in first person, but I think you did it well. I liked the interaction between Lily and her friends. I think the reaction to the letter could have been more dramatic, but their conversations before that were good. I noticed a grammar mistake: “Am I really that bad Evans?” He wanted to know. The "He" would be lowercase even after the question mark because it's a continuation of the sentence. Same thing with 'I didn’t want to open it until I knew where you were!” She replied defensively.' And you may want to limit your lists of name, such as "I finished my food hurriedly and fled up to the dormitory I shared with Cassara, Eve, Robyn, and Scarlett. Scarlett, Robyn, and Cassara came into the dormitory soon after." It can get awkward to read. I really liked the way the chapter ended. Lily's "I didn't want to die" was a tragic reminder of her fate. Good job overall, just watch that dialogue punctuation.
Hey! I would love to know the mod who accepted this chapter because (not to be picky or anything) but after a character says something like for e.g. 'What do you mean,' Said Lily it should be a lil 's' in said instead of a big one. They're so picky and i'm surprised this FF got thru. As for the whole 'not sad enough' i think it would have been a bit more realistic if you had added some imagery (im a freak when it come to discriptions) like for instance in the GoF JKR says something like 'Harry could see the tears coursing down Cho's cheeks' it shows real emotion, instead of just 'started to cry'. When ever i read stories especially HP i can envision whats happening. Your line 'who looked as if she was about to burst into tears any minute' was good. I see someone with red-rimmed eyes and a snotty lil nose! I'm sorry this review was so long, i just really wanted to let you know some of your mistakes. Try to read the Mods rejections letters carefully. If you put the oh, 5 or so letters together and try and fix every problem then u shuld be fine =-) please feel free tp contct me or leave some nasty reply on my revioew list! =-D
i luv your story it's really good piece of writing... i gave you a ten because it was totally awesome...
hey!! i've been noticing, u have not updated for awhile, even though u submitted the second chapter.... did they reject it or something??? well anyway, i'm dying 2 read more, since i havn't seen the second chap yet. but anyway................
Hey again!!!! i knou already submitted. but i just wanted to say, i re-read, and its a lot better the second time. Potatoes Llama softball nerd!!! Tu eres un especie de bebida fatal, y un champinon azul y mortal, y una papa mala!!! The story is awsome. ttyl
Good Start. A thing you might want to try is adding more description. Wha was the weather like in the greath hall? Was the common room the same as it had been in JK's books or has it stayed the same since the 70's? What did the interrior of the compartment look like? Descriptions of characters and some direct characterization would really get your story off the slow-plot-setup-horror that all Fics have. Some sentence diversify would be great too, I feel like I'm reading the same sentence construct over and over with different words. Anways I think it has a lot of potental once its standing on its two feet. p.s. whoever said there not sad enough has my vote p.s. 2. UPDATE SOON
Author's Response: Thanks a lot for the feedback, but adding more description is a little bit hard in this story because it's all in first person, so it's a little bit hard for them (especially with things like the common room, which they've seen practically every day for the past six years) to describe things in great detail. The characters haven't all been described, but I described Juli, and therefore I've basically described Eve (Although you'll get a lot more description about her from James's POV later in the story...). In the next few chapters things are going to start to pick up. In a couple chapters summer will be over and the year will start, and that's when things really get interesting. The sadness thing is probably true, but I'm the sort of person who has to think about something sad (i.e. someone I love dying) for a while before I come to grips with it, not to mention that it is just very hard to convey sadness in a story where you're telling it from Lily's POV. Lily's never met Eve's dad, and Eddie dying will kick in later. I describe this more in the third chapter when I am next in Lily's POV. I suppose I just made Eve, Juli, and Lily like me that in that area. They have to think about it before it really kicks in. I really appreciate the feedback, and I hope you check out the second chapter when it's up (it's was submitted yesterday)!!
UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE! Please! :)
Author's Response: I updated yesterday!! Hopefully it'll be accepted...
I so luv your story it's so great!!!!!!!!! Pleaz update soon!!!!!
I thought for a first chapter it was very good, you got some personalites down great, the only thing i missed were descriptions of your characters though im sure there be on thier way in later chapters...keep up the good work, it was a very nice chapter......cant wait for some dark ones...muhahahahaaa
Author's Response: Descriptions of characters have to kind of work their way in slowly because I'm telling it from Lily and James's POVs, but they're coming. Unfortunately, the dark ones don't come in for a while, but I (being the horrible person I am) am looking forward to writing them sometime in the near future... I'm really hoping to show myself (and others, of course) that I can do well writing a darker story, because "Summer in Between" isn't very dark, and "Behind Closed Doors," my other Lily and James fic (which hasn't been accepted yet on this site, but you can check it out on Fanfiction.net under my penname Mollifer) isn't very dark, either.
I like the story, it was well put together, I think you need to use pronouns more though. Also a cannon error, wouldn't they say You-Know-Who over Vodemort, Dumbledore said he was one of the few who said his name, and the students would call him You-Know-Who also because they have a right to fear him also.
Author's Response: Well, you see, I figured that they didn't use You-Know-Who at this point because he's not really in power. I'm going to start it later in my story (I think). But the pronouns thing may be correct. I'll look in on it. Thanks.