That's an awesome chappie! But when will the next one be up? I don't want to hassle you or seem rude, I'm just curious.
Hello? You still there? Update please....
Oh, Miss Quillster, I come here in accordance to the laws of SPEW and of the mistress Andrea Benning calling my name to read and review her and her story [I mean... *cough* your story in which she is currently featured in]. So, once again, my review is better late than never, correct, Miss Quillster? Good, especially since I'm giving you a SPEW-worthy review that I hope you enjoy. ;) Of course, I'm gonna be quite picky. So, let's get to it, eh?
So, being my very evil self, I'm gonna do the nit-picking first, so I can leave with a good note. First off: "The gargoyle cocked his head to the side, seeming to contemplate for a moment, then he hopped aside, much to her surprise." This seems very un-canon to me; that gargoyle should not budge for anyone; I'd expect that if Harry wasn't able to get in when he was desperate, neither should Andrea, since dear ol' Dumbles cares for Harry [possibly] more than Andrea. So this seems a little uncanon. "Hermione was going on a skiing trip with her muggle parents." Muggle is supposed to be capitalized, dear. But, since you capitalize it later on, I'm gonna assume it was a typo. :)
"...she was staying with her sister Barbara at Hogwarts for Christmas, the two both felt the need to devote as much time in the castle without regular distractions to study for the OWLs in Sophie’s case and the NEWTs in Barbara’s." Is it just me, or is this sentence too long and confusing? I'd suggest that after the word "Christmas" you put a period instead of a comma. Also [this is just me being super nitpicky], "OWLs" should be "O.W.L.s" and "NEWTs" should be "N.E.W.T.s". So, the sentence should read like this: "...she was staying with her sister Barbara at Hogwarts for Christmas. The two both felt the need to devote as much time in the castle without regular distractions to study for the O.W.L.s in Sophie’s case and the N.E.W.T.s in Barbara’s."
Just a few more nitpicks Ms. Quillster, and then I swear I'll get to the compliments! After all, I wouldn't be reviewing if I didn't like it. ;) "By the time they reached the Benning Manor Mrs. Benning’s inquiries of her two youngest children were over and done with and she was back to normal speaking patterns, meaning that her children and husband could actually answer her questions." This sentence also reads long. I'd advise a comma after the word Manor, and I'd take out "and done with" to make the sentence not seem so long and disconnected. I'd also take out the "she" behind "and". It should read like this: "By the time they reached the Benning Manor, Mrs. Benning’s inquiries of her two youngest children were over and was back to normal speaking patterns, meaning that her children and husband could actually answer her questions."
Uhm... okay, don't kill me, but... just a few more! I SWEAR. *huddles* "By the time Roderick was finished with all of his homework the Kestrals had played their last game and Darren was free to come home." I'd suggest adding a comma after homework. "Andrea and Rachel got along really well and the two were the only ones who could keep Sam, Simon and Seth from getting into too much trouble." Add a comma after "Simon", and that should be alright.
Okay. I can FINALLY stop nitpicking and start loading my fanboy love on you properly. You'd never know that I love your characters. Andrea, Ed, the mother... all of them. I particularly enjoy being pulled into the story just for the characters alone. But their mother's little "speech" had my crying with laughter. I loved seeing that "Leave It To Beaver" type mother that all of us are convinced that our mothers possess [or, at least a tiny fragment that is embedded in each of them]. That worry factor is wonderful. And my mother has just about the same amount as Andrea's mother does, so I can surely relate. ;)
We all love Christmas time, and I enjoyed seeing Flet again! How often do you see fairies in fics? I'm being totally honest -- yours is the ONLY time I've seen them have some sort of a role in a fic, and I'm thrilled. Especially since Flet chose a spot at the top of tree. Hee. Selfish fairy. I also enjoyed Grandpa Brand's Quidditch Glory day stories, even though I didn't get to hear it from the lion's mouth. Oh well, it still was very interesting, and fun to read! That's one special thing about your fic, Ms. Quillster -- you always manage to make a boring/sad/happy/disastrous scene easy and fun to read, which is why, I suppose, that I can't wait to read more on your fic later, when I get the time.
Well, I enjoyed reading like always. I'd say update whenever you can, but I'm afraid I can't, since I still have several more chapters ahead of me to read. ;) Keep up the good work, my dear! *hugs and runs away*
hey look i love the story but UPDATE!! I mean COME ON how long does it take! anyways just a little mad about today (I still don't have a date for the semi-formal!!!!!) anyways! that probably doesn't interest anyone lols oh well. I just came hear to tell you to UPDATE!!!
Hey! I was ill, and amongst my search for a new fic to read, I found yours and it is absolutely AWESOME! I love how you take the less present cannon characters and build up a new story. I love the new characters you've created, it all makes sense and is hilariously funny and sweet to read too. This is a great story and I can't wait to read more!
i really love your story !! are you ever going to add more chapters? i really cant wait!! its been so long since last updated!
I haven't reviewed? I'm very sorry, I thought I had. THis story is on my favorites list, which means I really like it. I think I may have guessed Andrea's secret though. I like how the twins are both in character and yet you make them much more individual, not like in the books. So please update soon!
Great chapter! loved Fred's fan club... lol i have to say i'll miss George in school but that exit... sigh... JKR really outdid herself there. Well, I hope you update soon. Keep up the good work.!10
I love this story!!! Keep writing. Seriously love it.
Wheee! Okay, so I read and am in the process of reviewing chappie nine. I'm always constantly amazed at your ability to tell a story -- its as if this actually happened, and you were there to witness it, and you're just telling what you saw, heard, felt. It is really hard to do that, and I admire you for it. Keep that up!
A few nitpicks, I know, I'm sorry, but these were bothering me. "December arrived, bringing with it more snow and a positive avalanche of homework for the firth years." Don't you mean fifth years? "It made Andrea want to punch him, but since their exchanges took place mainly under the eye of Snape durring Potions, Andrea restrained herself, not wanting to be scrubbing and cleaning the disgusting tanks in Snape’s storage rooms again." I also think you meant "during". Typos happen to all of us (mainly me), so don't feel too bad. ;) *snickers and half-hugs*
“You are incorrigible!”
“One of my many charms.”
Excellent bit of dialogue, George very in character there. I'll see if I can make my way to chappie ten!
It definetly sad to see George go. I was have excepting him to just pop up randomly! The UFFC is great. I wonder what's up with that though, too. I bet Gred couldn't be original because he had to use that part of his brain for pranks and new products. Hehe. Hey, you're not a mod anymore are you? Darn, you were a good mod, and if you are still a mod, you're a good one. Hehe. Looking foward to the next chapter. I actually am starting to wonder what is this Lightning Bond. I can only think it's some connection between Andrea and Harry- something like they're brother and sister seperated at 'death'. Hehee.
Author's Response: There is something up with the UFFC. That will come later. The Lightning Bond is also about to be revealed - I've got about two more chapters, maybe three, and then the epilogue. And I am still a mod, just not for J/L. I help in General and with modding on the forums. Thanks for the lovely review!
i absolutely *adore* this story. great writing. and the UFFC made me giggle like mad. ^_^
Hee. Here I am, again. No, don’t worry, my self control is much too bad for me to be able to nicely read and review every chapter in reading order. There’ll probably be some more random reviewing after this, so no need to panic. ;)
The first thing I’m about to write should probably have been in my review for chapter one, but yes, there you go, this is Anna the Unorganised. What I wanted to ask you is why Andrea is adopted? What happened to her parents? Did she have any siblings? What happened to them? Why did she end up with the Bennings? There. Now I asked – not expecting you to actually answer, but I had to get those questions out.
I really liked the welcoming feast, and I must especially compliment you on the paragraph filled with food. There is just something about detailed descriptions of food that makes me so happy (and yes, I admit it, when written well like this they also make me hungry). You also keep leaning on OotP just enough to keep us firmly rooted in the HP universe while you introduce new characters and environments. You let us see a slice of Umbridge, reminding us that she is very much there, but you still focus more on your own story and characters – nice.
It’s interesting to learn more about Andrea and her past, and I think you’re still introducing her really, really well. It’s also nice to see how you put the little pieces together, like that on the one hand she has had a relationship with another OC, but on the other she is also friends with Hermione. I’m curious about why you have designed the girls’ dorm the way you have done, what purpose it’ll serve in the story.
I’m going to be a bore and pester you about three small things:
Andrea stayed where she was, drumming her fingers idly on the small table nexxt to her, needing to think before she went up to her room. - An extra x has slipped into “next”.
I couldn’t help overhearing, and I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened, but i didn’t know that you and neal weren’t a couple anymore. - “Neal” should be capitalised.
“Oh, I completely understand,” Hermione smiled. Neal Thatcher was about as handsome and popular as Cedric Diggory was, with just as many girls in his fan club. - I’m back on my Cedric issue. I’m not missing something, am I? He is still dead? Lol, if so, I’d like to suggest that you write “popular as Cedric Diggory had been”.
And exactly what is going to happen at nine-thirty? I’m intrigued, and I have no idea why I just asked you that instead of just proceeding to the next chapter. =)
Author's Response: Alas...I was a complete and unmitigated ass and didn't use a beta for my first eleven chapters. They're undergoing revision as I write this though.
I'm going to surprise you and answer your questions about Andrea's adoption. Hee, spoilers that are not spoilers...
Why is Andrea adopted? Her parents couldn't take care of and protect her the way they wanted to. They later died. Andrea has an older brother, and he was sent to live with other relatives. Andrea is related, by cousin, to the Bennings. The Bennings actually lost a daughter at the same time that Andrea was born, and so she was raised exactly as that other daughter would have been raised.
I loved writing that feast! I tend to overlook setting a scene as well as that one was set, and I should really do it more often. I've really enjoyed trying to keep it utterly tied to canon. There are two reasons the girls are split into two different rooms in their year: 1) Girls are filled with drama. They need to have just that little bit of extra privacy and space and ability to avoid each other. 2) I didn't want to have to deal with Lavender and Parvati all the time....but don't tell Patrick I said that. >>
Author's Response: In all honesty, I couldn't write it so that I had to include those girls all the time. The reason is because I couldn't write them then. I don't let characters make many appearances unless I can write them. Snape only makes one appearance.
Oh, lookie, what’s this? It’s the Swedish review I promised you! Except, it’s just by a Swede, not in Swedish. Anyway…
I must say that I really like your basic idea, dear, to write your story in “the past”, alongside the original HP story your readers already (should) know. I think that if you had been writing mainly about canon characters, there could have been a risk of becoming repetitive (even if you were, let’s say, writing from Ron’s point of view and not Harry’s), but as you’re introducing and focusing on so many OC’s that JKR’s original story becomes more like a strong foundation that you can return to when needed.
I like the tone of the first chapter, and the point in time you decided to place it in. The mood is refreshingly light and that feels all right at this point, much more so than it would have if this had taken place during year six. The only thing I would have liked to see is some mention of Cedric’s death, which did take place at the end of the previous school year, after all. Andrea said something towards the end: …and he’s no, well, no Cedric… and that felt a little out of place.
George! I do admit that I don’t know Andrea all that well yet, but she does seem like the kind of girl that could fall in love with a sweet troublemaker such as Mr Weasley.
A lovely opening chapter, Miss Marie. Now I’m off to have a look at chapter two! =)
Author's Response: YAY FOR THE SWEDE!!!!! I've really grown to love these characters. The whole idea behind this story is: what about the other characters? What about Fred and George? What about the other potential Gryffindor Girls? ...Well and the Lightning Bond. Looking back now, I wish I had dealt with Cedric's death more. But maybe my attitude was the same as the characters' - too soon and too awkward to talk about right now. That phrase was supposed to feel out of place, just because it's so...hard for them. They knew of him, but they didn't know him, but it still really affected them. And who wouldn't fall for a sweet, dashing troublemaker like George? Thanks for the review dear!
cool chapter!! UFFC... lol!!!!! i wonder what"s up with them, too. your story is really good!
It's fun to read along the lives of Hogwarts students ignored. :) You have distinct characters that you paint effectively and with humor. Canon characters appear on the canvas and slip away while you keep context without losing focus.
I love the promise of Weasly twin time ahead.
I don't like it when authors address me from the text. It breaks the atmosphere and takes away from the narrative in my opinion.
One of your dialogue tags seemed a bit off. The who of the tag was missing.
Example: “Please Ed, nothing would make me happier,” feigned a look of desperation.
First of all, what a wonderful chapter! I know this review has been on it's way for *quite* some time now, but I'm sure you have a better-late-than-never policy. *coughs under glare of teh author* Anyways. You mentioned a spiral staircase. I love them and nearly kiss the hands of anyone who incorporates them into a fic, and you, my dear, have just earned so much more. You actually proved that Lavender Brown isn't the gossipiest (is that a word...? Didn't thinks so) person in the whole of Hogwarts. Elsie Smoot. LOL, the name is enough to lighten up anyone's mood, but the way she went about business was hysterical. I nearly choked on my food when George gave 5 galleons to prevent her from spreading rumours. *snickers*
Nitpick: “Oh, well, no matter,” George shrugged. “I was just curious. Thanks again,” he said Needs a period at the end. Otherwise, job well done! Off to chapter nine tomorrow. Until then! *scurries off*
Author's Response: OH YAY!!!! -sigh of relief- I was so worried that you didn't like it anymore, and that that's why you hadn't reviewed. :( I really liked this chapter for the elements of the Library and Elsie Smoot. I really do love Elsie. She's such a charactery character - I'm sur eyou know what I mean by that. :D Anyway...I'm glad you didn't actually choke. And...yes. The first 11 chapters had no beta...but this summer they shall be polished up. Thanks a bazillion Pat!!!!! -huggles- I mean... -POKES INCESSANTLY-
Author's Response: -THROWS CONFETTI FOR 150TH REVIEW/REVIEWER-
Yay! Good chapter - love the idea of the UFFC! Very imaginative! I miss George too... it's not the same without him! Looking forward to an update!
Author's Response: It really isn't the same without George. However, we never would've discovered the lovely UFFC if the twins hadn't left. And, honestly, there is more to that group of girls than meets the eye...they're a major plot point. Thanks for your review!
Another amazing chapter! It must have been hard to write after the Exit, but you did a great job! I love the UFFC; it's a very nice touch. Thanks for another great chapter! :10:
Author's Response: Thanks for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed the UFFC...it's something I've had in my head for months, and it's a lot more than it seems to be at this point... It was difficult to write this chapter, seeing as there is a severe lack of George. I'm just glad that I've got at least a solid plot and characters that don't completely revolve around George, or else...the story would be pretty much dead, wouldn't it?
Aw, I'm glad Andrea's holding up all right. I hope this separation doesn't last too much longer, though.
The UFFC club was funny. Really quite strange.... when I heard that someone named Haley had done the decorations, that made me smile, but not nearly as much as Anna Pevensie. That was great.
Poor Sophie and Terry, though. Oh well, it'll be okay, I'm sure. *sigh* I do hate separations.
Great chapter. Thanks for posting it and all. Have a nice day! *D*
Author's Response: There were quite a few MNFFers in this chapt...hee. Even MJ was there...>> Hee. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the review. Sophie and Terry will be fine, I believe. This actually comes as great news to certain shippers...