Wow, Kay. I'm an impatient person, as you well know, but I'm always satisfied once you post your chapters. The "R" rating freaked me out for a moment, but I'm actually glad you did that. It sort of warned me of the content of this chapter.Haha... the SPEW alter-ego in me is going to take over. One thing I noticed was the word choice. Sometimes I felt a better word would communicate the feelings better. For instance... Each step she took sounded wooden and plank-like, echoing eerily off the corridor walls. Would a step sound "plank-like?" I can see how the planks creaked under her feet, but not how her steps sounded like that. "What?" her sister replied with an edge. Her hazel eyes tiredly reflecting her impatience. It should be "...edge, her hazel eyes tiredly...." Simple punctuation mistake. Though, Morgaine already knew the answer... First of all, Morgaine is a way cool name. It reminds me of Morgana le Fay (sp?), the enchantress of the King Arthur legends. Try changing "though" to "but" with no comma after the first word. It's the most, really, you can do for Patryk since you can't use magic outside of Hogwarts. When Morgaine is talking to Isabelle, it sounds awkward for her to say "really" in the middle of the sentence. It would sound better to the listener's ear if she said "really" at the beginning of the sentence. He lay sprawled near a patch of filtered sunlight, as if scratching to escape the darkness. I'm a bit confused... Patryk was scratching himself, but perhaps you could say, "...filtered sunlight, as if scratching himself could help him escape the sunlight." Isabelle cautiously approached him, balancing on the fronts of her feet so not to step in puddles of blood strewn around the room. I believe the correct term for the "fronts" of the feet is "balls." I could be wrong, though. Isabelle sat on the couch, her knees closely huddled to her and arms encircling them. "...her knees closely huddled to her chest and her arms encircling them." She swung her foot uncomfortably in the air, keeping her gaze to the floor. I would keep my gaze on the floor, not to it. Isabelle, on the otherhand, was astray in a world of confusion and entangled feelings. "Otherhand" should be separated.
In all, it was an excellent chapter! The brutal imagery was tasteful enough not to gross me out (I tried not to envision it so much). Isabelle is so fascinating. So, she's had some experience with werewolves. Her brother? This fic only gets more and more interesting as your chapters are posted. And Isabelle and Remus kiss... ::sigh:: Thanks for reining in all the "R" rated content. It's easy to put words on a page, but much harder to keep it within the bounds of reason. Great job, Kay - I hope to see chapter nine soon! *crosses fingers*
Wow, you write so well. It's like the story floats, slowly uravelling... Its really beautifully written. UPDATE!
Alrighty, Chapter 1 is oustanding so far. I had a few things that I would like to point out though. Okay, there was a bit of confusion because I at first thought the Daily Prophet was dragging Sirius' name through the mud in this part: "The day after he resigned, the Daily Prophet not only “praised” Fudge for his “capture” of Sirius Black, but in an article below, dragged his name through the mud as well." Maybe its just me, though. There was one small formatting error, but thats all the technical details I could really complain about. This chapter was well written. Remus and Isabelle (I hope I spelled that right) seem very proper, though, to be in a bar. Its fine to use "smart" words in a description, but when two characters - especially one who is a bit depressed - are in a bar, they don't necessarily direct each other with professional tones. Even then, this chapter was just astounding, and I will be back for more.
I have to say, Lycanthropist, it has been a while since I read a chapter from this story, and somehow I forgot what I was missing. I really enjoy your OC, Isabelle. She is one of the few OCs I truly enjoy, right up there with Lex’s McKee, who is a wonderful OC. I love your portrayal of the way Isabelle teaches class was nicely constructed. I get such a negative overall impression of possession with Snape. Not that I think Isabelle would be my favorite teacher ever, but her class seems much more enjoyable than Snape’s. Good creativity on the “Raining Draught”!
If I had to pick on anything, I think I could say that I came across a couple minor punctuation errors, though nothing to set off a siren. I also found an instance where it seemed like two people talking in the same paragraph:
“Look before you walk around a corner, will you?” at the same time a male voice stuttered, “So sorry! I should have looked...”
I do not think this is glaring. I just like to follow the “New person speaking, new paragraph rule.”
You have a very nicely written chapter. Over the next couple of weeks, I hope to catch up on your story. I would say sooner, but my list of stories to read for SPEW members is long! Great job!
Ooooh! My favorite part--by FAR--was the flashbacks.
yeah hurray MORE MORE MORE ..... please
Ahhh, Kay, I hadn't read this chapter yet. I thought I had. Now I'm even more anxious for you to get in gear and post chapter nine! So, her brother was a werewolf. Very interesting! Is he still alive? Will we get to meet her siblings? While I've enjoyed your previous chapters, I think this is the one that has cinched it for me! Your writing and your story has come together here and this was a beautiful piece of work. The flashbacks were well done, I could feel the nausea and I could well understande her fears and intentions when she then turned to minister to Remus. Her, seeing him like that, was a very powerful image. The kiss at the end was perfect. My only frustration was in the brevity of the chapter, I want more! ;)
Oh, I loved how you gave us backround into Isabelle's life and why she might accept Remus as he is. That was so great. And the imagery made me cringe..I was sitting at work while reading and others wondered what was wrong, LOL. Good job on that. I feel so awful for Remus and what he is...yes we all know that he is a werewolf, but your rendition is so touching and poignant. Good job.
Why was richard trying to put Isabele on fire before they had that icky sex that was before they was married? I think sex before marraige is wrong but putting someone in fire is even wronger. also, is the word melancholy something religious? the reason I ask is because it has holy in it. what Does it mean? does remus Like writting? I thought this chapter was good. i've read all the other chapters but i wanted to talk about the fire sex. i thought that was wierd but i think your a good witer and I love this story even with the weird fire sex. what is That anyway?
This was a powerful chapter. I thought it was very well written. I loved that I found out why Isabelle is so accepting of werewolves. I certainly couldn't squeeze it out of you. ;)
The way you flashback a little bit at a time was a great way to build up the suspense. I had wondered whether Isabelle had once known a werewolf and this was an interesting way to show what her earlier life had been like. Now my question is, is Patryk alive?The name Morgaine brings up all sorts of images of King Arthur and Morgaine. Was that your intention? Is Morgaine in your story deliciously evil? Or just icky? (Or neither...)
Considering what I know now about Isabelle's family and based on the clues you've given about her relationship with her mother, has her relationship with her siblings deteriorated or improved? What kind of influences did they have on her career choice? Is she searching for a cure, perhaps?His wounds were oozing; his cuts and scratches swollen shut with congealed blood. The imagery was great. The way you showed Remus's wounds made his condition and life all the more tragic, especially in light of his frustration with the Werewolf Registry. It is refreshing to see it described without being romanticized.
You've really done a great job with this story. You've really developed Isabelle's character well. I never thought I'd actually care about an OC and I'm pretty sure I don't have a fever. Isabelle is wonderful. I eagerly await your next chapter. :)
Author's Response: Response to your questions:
Is Patryk alive? I'm not revealing this information. You'll just have to wait and see.
Was that your intention? Is Morgaine in your story deliciously evil? Or just icky? Morgaine is interesting, to say the least. There's still much to be unveiled about Isabelle's family. I hadn't even thought of Arthurian mythology when it came to her name, lol.
Has her relationship with her siblings deteriorated or improved? What kind of influences did they have on her career choice? Is she searching for a cure, perhaps? ::bites lip:: You've definitely hit a point with two of your questions, but I cannot relieve to you the juicy details. The answers will be in upcoming chapters.
Thank you for the wonderful review!
Amazing, absoulutly amazing. It's a perfect mix of violence and romance. I adore how you make it seem as if the werewolf and Remus Lupin are two totally different people. It's very true. Isabelle is the most amzing character I've seen. You have a perfect character...even though she's not perfect... you know what I mean..right? She's wise and honest. Her beauty is merely a backdrop, not as important (at least not at this point in the story). I will happily be awaiting your next chapter! Thank you, Roxie
The thing I like about your Remus is that he is not the perfect guy. Too often, he is portrayed as overly gentlemanly, calm, and chaste. But the way you write him, he feels real and imperfect. More like a (grown-up) Marauder should be. He is a convincing werewolf in your story: aggressive, murderous, and untamable. Note that I am not justifying bashing about your date, but it was what one might expect! The gruesomeness of the “morning after” was particularly good, the blood and gashes. I take it her brother was/is afflicted too? That would explain her knowledge about the Curse. I wasn’t quite sure why she was fingering his cuts—at first I thought she might be trying to heal them. I guess it was morbid curiosity on her part. She is a little shaky right now. It was quite telling that Isabella went straight to his house after taking care of herself following the World Cup disaster. I am glad they finally hooked up! Best new word: coruscating. I hope your schedule allows you to update soon!
Author's Response: Patryk is a whole 'nother story all together. We'll be learning more about him. And Isabelle's morbid curiosity was, I guess you could say, a sample of her lack of common sense.
Hmm... My schedule is interesting over these next couple weeks. I have college registration, advanced placement testing, prom, and graduation in the next couple weeks. Though, I can say that I will be with chapter nine much quicker than eight. I'll be updating (I hope) once a week (or every other week) when summer vacation rolls around, though.
I really like how you make Isabelle teach a Potions class. It shows us that all Potions teachers don't have to be as 'dark' as Snape. I like the little sarcastic, yet truthful comment by Isabelle. I like the expression "she was 'tickled' pink." I know that was random, but I just found it interesting. I don't know if Remus would be that outgoing to go and talk to her about the letter, but I guess he was nervous. It will work, but it might be a little risky with Remus' character. I like how she said you will meet me, rather than will you... It shows us the raspiness of her character. Benjy's Takeaway, sounds like a small little place and not too fancy, which fits well with what we know of Isabelle's personality. The romantic hand-holding was a sign of affection between both of them. It was very IC for Remus to be overwhelmed by the situation. I like how he his trying be very calm with the situation because he likes her and makes that comment which is a little outgoing. It was also very IC having him staring out the table. He is very self-conscience and you do a great job of showing it. I like how Isabelle writes a lot; it is an interesting character trait. I also like how she can't verbally say sorry. It fits perfectly with her character. I like the romantic little ending, it was fluffy, but not too bad. I could find very few grammar errors throughout. Good job, can't wait to read more.
Goodness me! That was . . . powerfull! I am guessing the Patryk was her brother? This chapter explained a lot about her character and raection to Remus - really well done.
I agree that was a wonderful chapter! I cannot wait for the next. Hopefully she will make his potion from now on so he doesn't rip himself up.
Ooh, they finally kissed! Who was Patryk? Are we going to find out later? This was a great chapter! I hope you update soon!
I love your story and can't wait for the next chapter. Please update soon.
The beginning is very good. It really pulls you in. Making him look for a job sets a nice tone and gets you in Remus' mood. The fact that he can apply to 4 of 127 makes his problems even harder. You seemed a little repetative with saying Wolfsbane twice, but it is not necessary to take it out. I like how you get us into his mind and how he feels like without the control of the Wolfsbane. You said the pen from the table. Wouldn't it be a quill? Also wouldn't Remus be wearing robes to interviews rather than a tee-shirt. Or does this just add to his layed back and dirty attitude? I love the name of the stationary store. It is very original. I also like how the old woman used dark creatures instead of werewolves. The song in the cauldron was funny. This shows a caring and sensitive side of Isabelle which I like to see. It is always interesting learning the characteristics of an OC. I also like how wolfsbane was inside. It brightened Remus' spirts. I like the cliffhanger ending and it is definetly not overdone. There were a few grammar errors throughout, but nothing major. Great job on this chapter and I can't wait to read the next one.
hey, two reviews in a row...i feel like a stalker...muahaha! (im not, im just weird like that, ya'no?) anyway, i forgot to say last time that ur banner is flippn awesome. thats all. :)
great fancy moses, u really gotta update soon!! its been like, a month!! please update, this is one of my top 3 favorite fanfics!! i absolutley love your writing style, never give it up. please update, im dying! *gasps for air thanx to lack of chapters* :)