very nice! good job! =) this one went straight to my favorites once i saw it.. it's no wonder the mods featured this one.. keep it up!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
I think the chapter is lovely. Granted, one or two errors mentioned could use correcting. *Ahem* The rest, however, is wonderful. I don't feel Remus is OOC here simply because he's flirting. We haven't been able to see the 'adult' side of him in the books, because we see everything from Harry's point of view (which makes that a good thing). Now, we see how Remus acts around crazy, baggage-bearing women. It's great.
Author's Response: ' . . . crazy, baggage-breaing women,' dear me, what a description, LOL!
I believe Remus is too often portrayed as a timid teenager when he's been through many things that others couldn't possibly imagine having gone through, and I would hope that he comes off as more of a middle-aged adult than an adolescent fumbling in the dark.
Thank you for the reivew. It's very much appreciated!
Ahhhh! Premarital sex! Okay, I'll get over it... Anyway, I agree - you make your readers wonder what the heck is going on. So interesting! I liked your banner, too.
Author's Response: LOL, thanks for the review!
Excecelent. You have a great plotline going. I like how you make people think, "What? Why?" Upseting the reader, as cruel as it may sound, is a very good thing. It shows that you are not afraid to have a couple twists in there. I thought this was a very good chapter, but may I suggest a few things? I think you ought to have more of the setting included in there. Write what you see in your head. It adds a richer feeling to the story if done properaly. Continue on with the great story you have!
Author's Response: Thank you for the kind compliments! I don't really see it as much as upsetting the reader more than I do telling a story. Life is filled with twists and unexpected turns, and that's how I want to convey my story.
Your suggestions have been taken into consideration, and I do believe you are correct that there needs to be a bit more imagery. Sometimes it can take me a bit to settle into my writing groove. : )
Interesting. This is the first story from the view point of Remus Lupin I have read, and you did a good job. But he did seem a little OOC - what's with the flirting? I would stay away from Isabelle, but that's biased, I suppose, because I hardly know anything about her. Still, it was very good. Nice vocabulary. ;)
Author's Response: From first impressions, I'd probably stay away from Isabelle as well, but, as they say, you can't judge a book by it's cover. As for Remus being slightly OOC, I believe that we've only ever seen him from really one-dimension in the books, at most, two-dimensions. I think he can flirt, but nothing to the likes of his friends and other males. Thanks for the review!
Well I'm struggling to add anything to the "essay" below. I think you've done well to capture the style of their thoughts but I don't like "pet peeves". It just really stuck out to me and didn't seem right somehow. Also "Richard may be a welcome for a great time" didn't make sense to me, I just didn't understand what you were trying to say. But I like Isabelle's slightly sarcastic remarks to herself, it seemed very natural (Not much criticism, constructive or not I'm afraid, but I'll get better I hope.)
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! It's very appreciated!
I was thoroughly intrigued by this story, and found the different perspective of Remus enjoyable. Isabelle was quite captivating, she is not the usual character. Keep up the good work and please update soon.
Author's Response: Thanks for the kind review!
Firstly, I enjoyed it. Mainly for the way it flows, it drew me in and I was just pulled along until I suddenly realise it's the end. I particularly liked Starrpynski's (interesting name) business card at the end. Ok enough compliments now I'm going to be picky. When you say "drag his name" it's unclear whether it's Fudge's name or Remus' use a name. And when he says "hell-o" I get a vision of him trying to say it in a "sexy" voice. (a sort of Hellll-ooo.) I'd advise (sounding unintentionally superior) making him say "hi" or "h-hello just to avoid confusion. I really enjoyed it though (and good luck on avoiding misspelling Starrpynski).
Author's Response: LOL, I have her last name ingrained in my skull, it seems, so I don't believe I'll have too much trouble spelling it (and I've added it to word's dictionary). Thank for those nitpicks, and I do see your point. I have fixed those to make it clearer. Thanks for the review!
Although I'm not even half way into the story, I'm really beginning to fall in love with your writing style. Your mentality is much greater than that of an eighteen year-old and I'm shocked to find that at least one high school senior is capable of correctly using such 'big' words. (No offense intended.) You've kept true to the characters that JK Rowling has so beautifully created, particularly Albus; you brought his worldly wisdom and gentle understanding justice in the few lines in which he spoke. It's a nice change to read a story in which an adult Lupin doesn't act like he would have in his school days. I specifically appreciate the fact that you have kept him mature and alone, the way that JKR has always intended him to seem. I found a bit of foreshadowing in the previous chapter at this part: Since he was seven years old, Remus vowed that if he ever did commit homicide, the next morning he would commit suicide by way of a silver nitrate bullet through the heart. Are you hinting at a perilous fate for our beloved Moony? I'm such a grammatical freak and so far I have not found any quirks. Excellent job- keep up the good work and post soon! (Also- is the song in the third chapter in the movie Donnie Darko? Superb flick, if I must say so myself, and the soundtrack is just as good.)
Author's Response: LOL, I take no offence, whatsoever. Thank you for the wonderfully thoughtful review and compliment! I've endeavored much to keep the characters true to JKR. It is quite a daunting task, even with the few lines Albus had. I was worried he would not sound right, at all.
Though my grammar's not perfect, I try my best. And yes, the song is from Donnie Darko; though, the song in the movie is a cover by Gary Jules/Michael Andrews. I love Donnie Darko. It's brilliant.
Anyway, your review is greatly appreciated! Thank you. :D
And, quite sadly, I come to the last chapter you have posted. :cries: I loved how this chapter flowed...you made it seem very real. Isabelle and Remus just seemed like a couple you would see out every day. The only things to note (and they aren't even really worth noting) are a missing quotation mark in during one part of your dialogue. I was also wondering...is it proper to capitalize Apperate as you did? Or was that just at typo? Just wanted to know for future reference. Anyway, lovely story. ;)
Author's Response: Actually, the missing quotation is correct. When a person is speaking more than a paragraph of dialogue, it's proper to leave off the end quotation and start the new paragraph with a beginning quotation so to know that that speaker is not finished. Then, on their last paragraph or whenever they are finished, you place the end quotation. Well, that's what I learned. And yes, Apparate is capitalized. :) Thank you for the wonderful review and I am so happy that you are enjoying this. The next chapter is currently with my beta, so I should have it submitted soon. :)
Whoa mama, you write hella good. :-) And I'm glad that I found another Arizonan on this site! (read your profile) Can I ask what high school you'll be graduating from? Keep writing, girl!
Author's Response: Thanks for the compliment. Nice to know there's another Arizonan on the site. LOL Thanks for reviewing. :)
The chapter felt good and very real; it flowed very nicely. It's interesting that you made Isabelle a potions professor, pictures of someone who is intimidating, yet has a soul and can be more human than others come to mind (along with images of my History teacher...). In your last paragraph there's a sentence with a semicolon, and the word directly after is capitalized; it should be lower case. P.S. Don't be offended by my thinking of Isabelle being like a vampire; it's just what I thought. Some of my best friends are vampire...or they wish to be anyway (never tell them 'bite me,' they will).
Author's Response: I obsessed over this chapter for, I think, two weeks; making sure it flowed and whatnot. I'm not offended at all about you thinking Isabelle like a vampire. I'm surprised that you're the first that's said that, because those were my thoughts when I was planning her. I'm like, 'She sounds like a vampire...' LOL
Anyway, thank you for the kind review. I have friends who like to think they're vamps, too. ;)
Okay, really liked the apology. I thought it was really sweet how she made the wolfebane potion for him, and I liked the poem. However, the poem wasn't a sonnet. Your rhyming sceme was fine, along with the number of lines, but a sonnet has ten syllables in each line. Some of your lines had one too many, or a couple missing. That aside, it was wonderfully written (though I do like Free Verse better).
Author's Response: Hmm... I disagree about the ten syllables per line. Of course, I only ever learned that a sonnet has fourteen lines and three rhyming schemes, and that was learning on my own. So we'll say it's a "loose" sonnet. I'm glad you thought the poem and gift were sweet. Thank you for the wonderful review. :)
That was an awfully cute way to apologize. And with Wolfsbane, that's really thoughtful. *awww*
Author's Response: LOL, I loved her apology. It took me a good five or six drafts to write the damn poem, so I hoped it came across okay. Thank you for reviewing! :)
I really liked your choice of words with 'languidly.' It gives you the feeling Remus more melted into the couch than sat on it. I get the feeling from how you described Isabelle that she's a vampire, although that's just me. Of course it would explain what she told Remus. There was a spot with Isabelle where you should change how it's punctuated: “I can’t concentrate.” She stated to no one in particular. This would be better as '"I can't concentrate," she stated to no one in particular.' The way it is now detracts from the story.
Author's Response: Thank you for the con crit. The first four chapters of this were not beta'd, so I'm editing as I go along. "Languidly" was really the only word worth use in that scene, so I figured it would make the picture more vivid. Thank you for the kind review.
Very interesting. I love the quote used on Isabelle's card; it makes me feel as though she's searching for the fountain of youth. I like your style of writing, it really makes the text flow, and it doesn't feel like you've just discovered the thesaurus. I don't have any suggestions, I like it just how it is. P.S. I'm in love with the picture you made for this story.
Author's Response: I'm glad you're liking this. Thanks for reviewing!
I loved your few lines about the home at the beginning of the chapter, I can easily see you're setting up your story for plenty of secrets and events to come, as well as throughly creating in-depth characters both with Isabelle and Remus. However, you are giving your readers little incentive to read on. Please try to work on that.
Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing.
A nice beginning. Isabelle seems like she might slip into Mary Sue-dom if you're not careful, but I can already see that her good looks are very well balanced with her personality. You had a few typos: you capitalized 'host' when describing the first of the other three people in the Hogs Head, and added an 'e' onto the end of 'shit' in the paragraph containing the words Isabelle says before she leaves the pub. I look forward to reading the next chapters of this.
Author's Response: Isabelle's practically the antithesis of Mary-Sue, but as you said, her personality will later balance her looks. The 'e' at the end of 'shit' was there on purpose. Thank you for reviewing.
My review will be a lot shorter than most. It's awesome!
Author's Response: LOL, short or long, I love feedback. Thank you! :)
That was a really well written chapter. It's engaging at once by jumping right into the story. It kept me wanting to read more. I've put it into my favorites.
Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review. It's greatly appreciated. :)