This is cute. I loved the instructions for the pensieve. I guess everything has instructions, though. There was a part in this chapter where Harry asks Lupin, "What's up with you?" This didn't strike me as something that Harry would say to Lupin, but it didn't really make the chapter any less enjoyable. There are also a few spelling and grammer mistakes, but again, nothing that takes away or distracts at all. Good job.
Author's Response: Fair point. I'll change that. Thanks.
Hello again! Right, so I went through with an old fashioned pen and paper (not as old fashioned as a parchment and quill), to mark out typos and all that. However, now I think that is unecessary. You write Harry pretty dern well. You capture his emotions with the correct tone. Some things I liked: the animagus test, how Harry got into Potions and the three roomed tournament. Some things that concerned me: McGonagall sounds cooler than she is, spelling errors, I thought the number of animagi was limited, and both of Snape's lips curling...how did he manage that one? *image of monkey curling both his lips back* Oh, there was a part during the tournament where you have Luna bursting into the room, but I'm quite sure you didn't mean her. Next! I am thanking you profusely for slowing time down a little. It's at a perfect pace now. The writing is still a-flowing beautifully. Good job!
Hmmm...There are a couple of things I noticed. One, Hagrid's 'rural' voice. I read the post about different English accents, but I was sure that was written after you wrote this...hmmm. Also, I see that you've cleverly skipped over the Sorting Hat's song...poo. I rather like hearing new songs. This seemed to be more of a transitional chapter, so I have not much to say. Far fewer mistakes in this one. Good job *in my snap into a slim jim voice*
Good start to your story. One of the main strengths is the believability of your characters. I thought you did a very good job portraying Harry. The way you have it were he's excited to get back to his friends in the wizarding world on one hand and yet hesistant because of everything that has happened on the other is a very believable state for Harry post OoTP. I also hope your story includes more with Dementors. They are my favorite magical creatures (even if they're very scary). I did find a couple misspelled words. Once, I think you had "presences" instead of "presence", for example. I also would have been even happier with your story had you put in some more imagery to help your readers see evening the way you see it. Harry's O.W.L. grades were more believable than I have seen them in other stories, however, I still wonder if he'll really fair that well in Charms and Potions. I know the books say he does better in potions without Snape around, but I still get the sense Harry really, truly isn't that good at potions. Moving on to read chapter two. Again, good start!
The memories in the Pensieve and everything was very good. I really liked the characterization in the part. I liked that Harry could enjoy himself for once on his birthday, though I have seen this done in many fictions; yours is one of the better ones I have seen.
I loved Lupin's comments and that he's a part of this story. Most sixth year fictions seem to forget that he's around—well, the ones I've read. Kudos.
There were a few typos and grammatical/spelling mistakes, but it didn't take much away from the story. Do you a beta reader? Or have considered one? They are very good for seeing typos and helping with errors and such. You can bounce ideas off of them as well.
Though this part seemed very much a filler chapter, is was simple and heart-warming. The interaction between everyone was beautifully played out and flowed. Great job. Onto to chapter three, for me.
Author's Response: Actually I posted a topic for a beta reader in the forums but on one repsonded. :(
Nicely done. I like the way this is progressing though there are a few continuation errors.
Harry's feelings are completely understandable and very in-character. I especially loved his thoughts toward the end. Almost everyone was in-character though I thought one of Lupin's lines was a bit OC, but not horribly noticeable. I also thought Moody was well-done in this part, too. Good job.
Hmm... The O.W.L. results were not what I expected, but then again, most of the time I'm baffled by them. Also, though Harry has N.E.W.T. level classes now, I believe they would get their schedule with everyone else, during breakfast at Hogwarts, and the times were a bit off. The schedule seemed very American.
Overall, I found this quite enjoyable. The description was very good, though I would love to see more. Now onto to chapter two.
I loved the being able to peek into an Order meeting! It was alos very cool that Mad Eye caught them, so they didn't get too far :) Nice touch having Mrs. Weasley relaxed enough to tell them some of the truth, it's a good contrast to her complete paranoia of the year before and I think justified. This is coming along nicely.
You've settled into a nice pace here, moving from scene to scene seamlessly. So, Harry has a Pensieve now. It's fun watching the characters play in each others memories. You really have a good story going here. I do have one comment, do you use a beta reader? If not, I would recommend that you find someone. I myself make tons of typos and little errors that I never notice. Having a someone beta read my story has been really helpful in eliminating most of them. It's not like you need character or plot adjustment, just some help picking out the little stuff.
I like! I really like the images you create and the way you describe Harry. He is very in character as are the rest. I especially like the scene at the end with everyone in the bedroom and Hermione taking her potion. Very well done!
I have a couple of con-crits: it accured to him should be occurred; as though it was poisons should be poisonous
You also have an Americanism: the schedule that you’ve created is very American. Europeans don’t generally create their schedules in periods that are the same every day. Their classes are taught in blocks similar to our college classes and differ from day to day. Also, Harry wouldn’t have received his class schedule until he got to Hogwarts. You could accomplish the same thing (showing that Harry got into Potions) by giving us a list of required texts instead.
You’re storytelling is simple and engaging. I really enjoyed this beginning and am looking forward to finishing this so that I can chime in on the forums. It’s your turn now! *gives an evil chuckle*
Another enjoyable chapter. I like the sense you give that the house at Grimmauld Place is different now that Sirius is not in it - more businesslike and bureaucratic. I also get a good sense of the rushed weariness everyone in the Order is experiencing. Now, this is a Happy Birthday chapter for Harry. That said, I don't get a sense that he IS happy about his birthday. This is the FIRST time he's really had a celebration with presents and the people he loves. I think we should feel the love a little more than we do. Maybe you could achieve this by having him fall back into his old resentment and assumption that people are keeping things from him, only to have him stumble in on his surprise and be genuinely touched. I liked the gift of the Pensieve, although I don't think a magical device that powerful and amazing would come mass produced. This is just me, but I see them as much more of a "luxury" or "specialty" item, maybe hand-crafted or unique. However, I DID like the reminiscent scenes from PoA. I know your story involved Legilimency. I'm interested to see how this gift of the Pensieve relates to that study. Good work.
Excellent opening chapter! I know right away where I am in the story and I get a sense of that awkward foreboding and uncertainty that must be lingering over Harry like a cloud. There are a few things that you can do to improve your style a bit: 1. word choice: the ones that stand out to me are in the very beginning when you repeat "letter", "looked", and "window" several times. I understand you're a young writer, and this is very common! I didn't really start getting the hang of word choice until I was out of college, so don't feel bad. A good rule to follow is not to use the same word twice in the same paragraph, if you can help it. 2. take your time: I notice others have mentioned that some of your transitions between Harry's actions as well as transitions between scenes tend to run a bit fast and blur together. Don't be afraid of higher word counts in the name of clarity. Also, what this will do is make you choose only the most vital and plot-important things to relay to your audience. :) Alright, off my English Teacher soapbox! Back to what I liked: I thought the chapter had a good shape to it, and in fact, the speed helped me connect a bit with Harry's feelings about the rushed nature of his extraction from the Dursleys. I also enjoyed Harry's feelings about shredding the portrait of Mrs. Black as well as his envy of Ron's ability to sleep soundly. It's the little details and aside thoughts that bring depth to your storytelling, like Harry's wish for a coat, and Ginny's sighs of relief. I look forward to reading more!
Unfortunately, there are a lot of little grammatical and spelling mistakes. I, however, was pleasure reading. I think you have Mrs. Weasley acting a little too immature. She sounded like an older teenager in this story... I always have the movie version of her voice in my head, so that helps me. The story line makes wonderful sense, except I think Voldemort would continue to attack Harry in his sleep. I liked the reaction to being found out at the meeting- it was well-written. Overall, good job.
I won't go over what someone else already mentioned. I really like where this story is going. I thought Harry needed a pensieve the minute I learned of it. Perhaps it can help ease the pain when he puts the more terrible memories in there. It would also help others to understand him better, if Harry lets them, of course. You're tending to jump from one scene to another very quickly. If you could do a page break or something, that might clear it up. I think we need more warning for a transition. Hermione doesn't seem to be getting much screen time...this is odd. She talks a lot, and it generally a main informant in the stories. I do hope you add a bit more of her in as we go on.
The image of peeking through the keywhole and seeing Moody's scary eye was hilarious! There were a couple of misspelled words and one weird capitalizations, but those were the only problems I saw. You write Harry very well. You have him holding all of his feelings inside- and I don't think he's matured THAT much since he's been gone. It's alright though. At least all of the feelings (inside or expressed) are very accurate. I must say the part about how he fell asleep and woke up to a letter on Hedwig went by so fast, I had to go back and figure out when he fell asleep. Good job. It's a great beginning!
“The wonderful feeling of flight from the Dursleys was great. However, Harry was staring to doubt how much he wanted to go back to Grimmauld place. Even though his friends would be there, it would only remind him of the injuries he had caused them and the death of his godfather. If only Dumbledore hadn’t made sure that Harry was to be there tonight, he could possibly arrange for him to simply stay with the Dursleys.” There’s something awkward about the first few lines of this---at least to my ear. “Harry only wished that he could rip the canvas apart, but maintained calmness.” This might read smoother as “but he maintained his calm.” It sounds…odd to me the way it is.
Otherwise, this chapter is nice. It moves ahead quickly down the most logical path. I thought everyone was very IC with two exceptions: Moody wouldn’t have been the one to suggest going one man down. He’s the paranoid one--he’d probably have tried to lock Harry in a trunk and carry him. He could also see through the door with his eye--he wouldn’t have needed to ask if Harry was in there. The second exception is Hermione--she’s very businesslike. I think it would have been more like her to down to Potion quickly, rather than the theatric wincing. This second one is more subjective than the first.
The OWL scores were perfect, the writing was concise and to the point, and everything flowed smoothly. Props for you.
Author's Response: You've got a very good point about Moody's parinoia. I am almost done with this, and plan to go back and edit. As for Moody being able to see through the door, he did. As he saw Harry bending over to look through the keyhole, he chose to do the same, just for his own amusment. ;)
AMAZING chapter. I still can't believe Dumbledore is dead... Keep up the great work!
That was a good opening chapter. there is enough there to make the reader want to move on to the next chapter and yet you still packed quite a lot of description in there too. Everyone seems to be in character so far which is always a great start. There was plenty of good detail in there too, I liked the fact Harry's Firebolt hadn't turned up and Professor McGonagall's letter was well done. You do need to go over the chapter and pick up the typos and spelling mistakes, it wouldn't take long but would really make the chapter read better. I'm looking forward to chapter two and I'm really intereted in who the new DADA teacher will be.
This is a great chapter, the reactions are very realistic. You fit everyones personalities in perfectly. Great fic! 10
I completely agree w/ StarryNight. Great chapter and keep up the great work. Update soon!
Great chapter!! I really liked the curveball you threw at us when Dumbledore died. Everyone seems to think that he won't ever die, but that can't be it since Harry is the one that has to kill Voldemort, in the end. I liked how Hermione stood up for Harry and Ron too.At least Harry's friends now know about the prophecy and they can kind of accept it. Well great chapter and update soon!!!!!