First of all, I think there is no need to tell you that you are very talented. I liked your way of writing and although I only read the prologue, I assume that this will be a great story! You have a way with words that impresses me very much.
The dialogue between Steve and Moody was right on spot! I really liked Moody's part. So well in character.
And Steve was written so well too! His background, his thoughts, everything.
Particularly liked the line "bewitched his mind and ensnared his senses". *hehe*
Again, so many things to enjoy in this chapter. These two managed to turn the sorting ceremony into a battle of monumental proportions but I found it interesting that it was Septimia who came around first. It shows her more mercurial nature as opposed to Stephen's unbending one. The tussle over the letter was a wonderful piece of humour and I loved the line about him brushing back his eyebrows, that was hilarious. Your writing is all about detail, it makes for a really rich reading experience and I love it! You dealt with his feelings about hitting her very well and made it not just a black and white issue. he was wrong to di it, he knows he was wrong to do it but she was also wrong to provoke him. And Rabastan Lestrange! What a wonderful choice of partner for Severus' mother! I thought that portrayal was excellent and I had a real image of him in my mind. Worse still, I actually liked him! The way you had Severus making his own mind up about the houses was also good, it shows his strength of character even, at this young age. I also thought you did well with his confusion at coming back to his father's new situation and the absence of his mother. The bit about the Chinese cooking was another one of those little details that you do so very well. So many good things that I can't possibly list them all! Needless to say, this fic is a treat to read, I love it! Just one little nitpick...you had pro's and contra's... I think that should be pro's and con's. :-)
Author's Response: Hi Maeve! I'm so glad you're still reading this! And naturally I'm delighted that you like Rabastan, because so do I :-). I'm afraid I stashed all the jokes in this chapter, and the next one is rather darker... The story asked for it. Still, I hope you'll bear with me. Anyway - thanks so much for being such an attentive reader! I sometimes think that much of what I consciously put into the text is lost on many, but it never is on you. Cheers, S.
Wow! This continues to be fabulous! I am so curious as to Rabastan Lestrange and how he ties into the story. "Young" Stephen's sorting was wonderful... he got even with both parents quite nicely there! I also like the bit at the end where his father thought he was studying dark magic but it turned out to be smut ;) An excellent chapter, I look forward to finishing this!
Author's Response: Thanks for bearing with me MADJH! I promise that there are yet a few skeletons in the closet... As to Rabastan, I've developed a soft spot for him - don't ask me why. He's definitely going to star in further stories too. -S.
YAYE!!! lol you finished a story and it was pretty damn good congrats I'm looking forward to the next
Author's Response: Glad you enjoyed it! The next story is up now, by the way: "The Return of the Prodigal Son". Thanks for reviewing! -S.
Your development of Snape Sr. continues to amaze me. While Septimia is the one studying the Dark Arts, Stephen is not blameless in the direction of his son's life. He very much reminds me of what Percy would be like if is continues on his present course. I look forward to seeing Stephen's reaction to 'Young Stephen's' sorting. You've created a brilliantly plausible set of parents for Snape and I'm really enjoying the journey!
Author's Response: Thank you, MADJH! I'm glad you're still with me, and I hope the next half of the story won't disappoint. -S.
I've enjoyed the last two chapters well writen has a little bit of a reminder of my own family
Author's Response: Aww. I don't wish it on anyone. But, well, I guess neither Stephen or Severus is really as bad as he looks, so there is hope for all of us :). Thanks for bearing with me, wait and see! -S.
Oh my. This is such an interesting take. I'm wondering if this is a case of self-fulfilling prophecies, if Stephen's paranoia is what causes Septimia and Severus to turn to the Dark Arts... I'm really intrigued. You have beautifully crafted this character and made him so real. I'm amazed at the spin you've put on the story as fanon assumes that Mr. Snape was the abusive, dark one. Yet you've done such a good job of setting it all up, that I don't question the deviation. I also really liked Hector (?) Bone's motives in keeping Septimia's origins secret. This is just a well crafted, well written piece. Nothing but praise on my end ;)
Author's Response: Thanks so much MADJH! I wrote this story as I felt it should be written, but afterwards worried that readers might not be interested in my original character ... and posted the fic anyway ;). It really all started with "Seen and Unforeseen", and the fragment from Snape's memory made me wonder why the man was shouting, and that maybe the apparently obvious interpretation might be totally off the mark. And suddenly Stephen waltzed in (or rather, walked in stiffly). I think he makes as much sense as Wicked!Snape Sr. - or at least I hope he does. -S.
Another enthralling chapter that was gripping until the end. It opened with slight cracks in the relationship and ended with great chasms between Stephen and Septimia. Stephen’s gradual realisation that his wife was not what she had seemed was chilling and I loved the way you dropped in the fact that he suspected her of poisoning him, that was perfect. I also loved the line about her neglecting cleaning in favour of her dark hobbies…I think my husband would have some sympathy with Stephen there! You have perfectly captured the deterioration of a relationship and moulded it with the wizarding world to make it unique. Your interpretation of Severus’ parents is so refreshing. I can also see how poor Severus would be picking up on all of this strife going on around him and you explore that further later in the chapter with the tendency to speak ‘through’ him at dinner. I liked the way that Slytherin was not even considered when they thought about Hogwarts Houses and Hufflepuff was dismissed out of hand… what a shock that’s going to be for them! And I thought Stephen’s views on raising children were brilliantly done. The comparison between an unruly garden in need of landscaping and a child in need of control was well expressed. And Stephen’s need to give perfectly clear instructions reflects on Severus’ later attitude to ambiguity, he doesn’t understand anything that is not black and white and we can see why. I don’t need to say again that I love reading this story, it’s different and well written and most important it’s interesting.
Author's Response: Thank you, Maeve! By now I'm shaking with fear that for some reason or other you might not like the next bit or the ending or something - I don't want to let you down in your expectations... I'm really happy you singled out the paragraph on raising children: it's one of my own favourites, and quite crucial I think. The challenge I set myself in this story was to firmly ground Severus' personality as we know it from canon in his childhood - I believe parents and home life have an immense influence on children, and I wanted to explore that. - On a lighter note: I think cleaning is vastly overrated . You really don't want to know the state my room and my office are in. If my person and my writing are orderly, I don't much care about the rest :-). -S.
This was a very well written prologue. The poem immediately drew me in and intrigued me. It really struck a cord with me and the message it send is so true. Nobody is perfect and everybody is marked by what they have been taught. Our parents mark us, whether they want to or not. They are also often the ones that hurt us the most. Taking this in mind while reading the prologue certainly gave the story a certain flair. The Snapes are definetely a family that intrigues me. Severus has many mysteries and it is good to see a story about that. I liked your characterisation of Stephen. He was very believable and he came across as a Snape to me. Especially the third line when he says pray. That immediately made me think of Severus. His interaction with Moody was quite powerful. There was friction yet respect present. Another aspect that caught my attention was the Muggle connection. I look forward to read more about that since it is definetely intriguing how Severus came to hate them while his father seems to accept them. Very well written and I look forward to reading more once I have time. Good job!
Author's Response: Thanks very much for reviewing, Riyo! Glad you share my esteem for the poem - on another fansite I had abusive reviews because of it :( - but it is poignant and it inspired the story. I'm happy you find Stephen a credible Snape. I tried to create a mirror image to Severus, imagining what a Snape could be like if he didn't make the same choices as Severus. I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story :). -S.
Well, Maeve dragged me over here kicking and screaming, but I'm staying of my own accord. You've convinced me that Snape's father might actually have been a decent person. Amazing! I am just so impressed with the artistry of your writing. I have no constructive criticisms, only praise. I loved Moody's dialogue, especially. So well done and In Character. I like the neatness of Snape Sr.'s office and his use of pens... very interesting. I like that you've thought him out so thoroughly to give him such attributes. Your attention to detail is amazing. Well, off to read the rest!
Author's Response: Hi MADJH, welcome aboard! Let me assure you that 'only praise' is perfectly fine with me :D... Glad you like Snape Sr. - as his creator I love him dearly. I think my stories are usually more character-driven than plot-driven, and that includes me knowing everybody's favourite dish and the kind of shoes they wear . The drawback is I love them all so much that I don't want anyone to come to a sticky end... I hope you enjoy the next chapters! Oh, and please give my regards to Maeve - she proselytises for me and I don't even pay her for it! ;) -S.
I really like your story the way you're writing it is very interesting I'll be keeping on reading
Author's Response: Thanks so much for letting me know, wait and see! You are now officially part of my very select readership ... -S.
This is so intelligently written. Everything seems to be given careful consideration and your depiction of Stephen is simply wonderful. It is very detailed and you have painted him so well that, whilst he would probably be a very difficult person to meet, he is coming across as a very sympathetic character. I am really enjoying the idea that it is Septimia who comes from the dark family and I loved your explanation of the names in the response to the previous review...that sort of thing is the sign of a really good writer. her whole background is well thought out and utterly convincing. There were one or two lines that seemed to jar a little...."vented his indignation once to many, " should be "vented his indignation once too many times," and I thought that "veritably labyrinthine" would have been better as "a veritable labyrinth".. it seems to scan better. I think you should look at your use of commas and perhaps try and split up a few sentences that seem over long. But when compared to your skill as a storyteller these are small points. I am thoroughlly enjoying this story and the quality of your writing and I cannot believe it has not had more reviews. And your first language is not English? Amazing. Are you considering writing as a career?
Author's Response: Aargh, the commas! You know, this is one of the really hard bits - I think I use commas in English as I would in my mothertongue, which is apparently not a good idea :-). I'll do my best in the future, but I can't make promises. And yes, I do have a predilection for long sentences (and strange words like labyrinthine - it's one of those joys that I think are particular to being creative in a language not your own)... As to writing as a career: I'd love to, but I haven't an original idea in my head - I must always graft my things on somebody else's. But I'll let you know if/when that changes . Meanwhile I'm very, very glad that you like this story, and all that praise makes me blush... Thanks for reviewing! -S. *floats away on a pink cloud*
I'm totally convinced by your storytelling ability. Your writing is so well done. You have woven little things throughout the fic that make this sound so canonical. The reference to the Order of Merlin, for instance. Now one understands why Severus would want one so much if his father had one. I am enjoying the way you are downplaying Stephen and yet giving him such a strong character. The passage about his interaction with Muggles was very interesting and should lead to some good threads in the story. Moody is perfect! Very blunt with touches of dry humour, I love it! I'm looking forward to seeing the interaction between the husband and wife and how it will effect Severus. And I could almost feel the despair as Stephen rubbed his face. He's one of the better OCs (not that he is strictly original but as we know so little about him he might as well be) that I have come across. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Author's Response: Well, I guess I'm just lucky that you are a good *reader*. I have posted this story at three other sites, and no-one has picked up on the Order of Merlin thingy there! So, well, thanks for being so attentive. As to Stephen, I hope you like reading him, because he's going to be the main presence in the rest of the story. I have to confess that I hated him when I first created him, but in the meantime I have come to care for him rather a lot... Thanks so much for reviewing! -S.