Sweet.... Awwwww how cute!
tht ending was hilarious i like ur story it was great nd showed for the first since i have joined this place the torture harry goes through with not just the prohphecy but with hermione as well!! i also liked how u put tht hermione isnt the only one who knows when harry is lying he also knows when she is lying so i liked how u did tht
Really good, almost like JKR, and also quite funny.
nice but you kinda left it at it's climax You know what they? well if you do please tell me I say continue the story.
One of the things going through my mind is how incredibly IC you have Harry and Hermione. Some of the dialogue was so uncanny that I found myself chuckling in delight. Hermione’s concerned but slightly presumptuous; Harry’s moody and troubled, but amused by Hermione’s assumptions. He speaks ‘hotly’ while she speaks ‘briskly’ – wonderful contrast and nice word choices.
‘You’re mad at me because you’re mad at the world’ – and I loved that line. Though Hermione might be slightly off here, it definitely describes him at times. And I love that you don’t have Hermione automatically ‘knowing’ what’s wrong. I love that you have her making wrong guesses. She doesn’t just wait for him to tell her, she goes and acts as though she already knows. Very nice.
I’ll admit, I didn’t like the H/Hr aspect towards the end. Not because I don’t like the pairing, as I’ve written it myself (though I’ll admit, as far as canon, I don’t see them as more than platonic). It’s the timeframe of this little confession of romantic affection – it’s the fact that it seems a small wand has been waved over everything that’s ever shown Hermione to fancy Ron, and a Disillusionment Charm has been put in place to cast Hermione’s interests in a different light. And it’s the fact that a serious moment for Harry, something burdensome and painful, is turned into an exchange of ‘I fancy you’, when it should really be about friendship.
Another positive aspect: not dull. Despite the fact that it’s pre-canon and I kind of new what was happening and what was going to happen, it was entertaining. It had it’s funny moments, but it had it’s emotional moments, and it was smooth and well-paced. There’s nothing more irritating than a story that makes you turn back after a couple of paragraph’s because it does nothing to hold your interest. But fortunately, this story is not one of those ;)
I’m not a huge fan of first person narrative unless it serves a specific purpose. This could have easily been done with ‘she’ and ‘her’ instead of ‘I’ and ‘me’. First person is usually difficult to read and even more difficult to write. You have to inject the character into every line, and it should come off more subjective and limited. You did a better job than most though (totally honest, here – it was done well, I just think the occasion didn’t call for first person, so a lot of opportunities that can be seized with this narrative PoV were untouched, because they weren’t necessary to the story). You kept the narration ‘Hermione’ though, and I applaud you for that.
“patrolling the halls” – heehee. And what a wonderful device to get Ron and Ginny to both scram :D
There was a bit of tense confusion in the first paragraph. I think it should be ‘would be a bit happier’, as the rest of the chapter is past tense.
My biggest issue with this is that I know I’ve read it before. Harry revealing the prophecy, two characters revealing their romantic feelings almost right off the bat from where the next instalment will be picking up. (Not that I haven’t done it! But that’s when I was wading into fan-fiction… I’ve learned why this is a less than appealing path, since). Many writers beat these storylines to death, when they really need to write something new. What I want to see you do is write a Harry/Hermione that’s out of the ordinary. It doesn’t have to be fantastically creative, it just has to be original. Swim from the mainstream ;) You can write, you have the mechanics, you have the characterisation, you have the description, and you entertain – now reach your potential and find your own style by avoiding the beaten path. It’s a little hard to get into it without writing an essay or rec’ing a dozen stories as examples, but I think I’d really like to discuss it with you. So, if you don’t think I’m insane, I’d love you to PM me on the forums and maybe we can direct your talents to something new and find your niche :)
Author's Response: Thanks! That took me about fifteen minutes to read through, and it's great to see someone doing some long reviewing :D This was my first fanfic, and I'll be the first to tell you that I wrote it too quickly (first fanfic, by the way), and didn't take my time. I did first person because it was a challenge from my friend, who thought it would be a bit neat to see what was going on in Hermione's head instead of seeing her how you normally do. I don't think I did a very good job on that... But again, thanks for the review!
Very good! I liked it, even though I firmly ship Ron/Hermione, I did like it! 9/10. :)
Author's Response: Thanks! On top of the Traitor's Daughter, I'm also working a brand new ff that I hope you all will enjoy. As Hagrid would say, "Won't say no more here".
I thought it was good. I'm not a huge Harry/Hermione shipper, and am not big into one shots, but this was good. I'll try to read your novel, while I wait for chpt 6 to got excepted. *10*
Author's Response: thank you, thank you.
it was good. im not in a enthusiastic mood so good means better than it sounds
Author's Response: I'll take it as a major compliment then. Thanks! By the way, my work stinks because I'm working on it next to a novel. A book six novel that I'm really proud of.
Author's Response: My book six novel is now underway. Please review for the Traitor's Daughter.
i agree with the other reviews I dont think this should be a oneshot and if you add more chapter that would be great. I would like to coment however on how one of the other reviews said they were in character I myself thought that toward the end you kinda took it out of character and made them too foward with there "secrets" any way its good for a oneshot I hope to read your other story soon
Author's Response: it's the one-shot factor. I rushed it, and I agree. Not my best work. I definitely say my other piece is doing better.
Very cute!! I really liked it! I hope you right more!
Author's Response: Oneshot. But you can check out my other fic, Final Good-byes!
It's very good, but I think it showed their love a bit too soon. I myself prefer it when they keep their love a secret and then Ron gets angry at them and... Anyway, It's still a very good story. I give it an 8.5
Author's Response: thanks! I absolutely agree, but as it was a one-shot, I had to rush it a bit.
poor ron! ron and hermione are meant to be together coz i love harry/daniel!!!!
Author's Response: I do too, and I'm jelous of Hermione. Most unfortunately, I think they make a good couple. Besides, I don't really like the R/Hr ship, not to offend anyone.
Oh, I loved it!! Very, very sweet! I adore how both Harry and Hermione were In Character... Harry turned red and got shy when Hermione told him her feelings- Hermione was firm but not mean, and in fact sensitive... all characteristics of their true personality. I think it's fitting as a one-shot. But I do hope you'll write other H/Hr fics!
Author's Response: I plan to write more, and thank you for mentioning my being in character. That's rare for me to make someone happy with that, but I usually have very tough reviewers.
Schweet story. I really enjoy so far. It is really good. I hope to see new chapters soon.
Author's Response: It's a one-shot, but I'm thinking about adding more chapters. I don't know if it's that good, though.