Reviews For I Loved Him First
Reviewer: Snape_Lover
Date: 01/01/08 15:50
Chapter: The Final Irony (Epilogue)

That was a wonderful story...I cried twice while reading it... Some of the things you invented about the characters, I must admit I did not like at all, but overall your story was very well-done. =]

Author's Response: Yeah, I can see how a lot of people wouldn't like the way I characterized some characters. I did take a bit of license, I suppose. I'm glad you liked it overall, though! Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 12/01/07 10:01
Chapter: The Final Irony (Epilogue)

I was going to read the next few chapters, but then got completely hooked and read the entire thing! It was just absolutely fabulous. The ending was very touching, believeable and realistic.

When I started the first chapter, I had no idea it was going to go this way. I was expecting it to be a teen romance, with Petunia and James skipping off hand in hand into the future together, but no. You gave something gritty and deeply enthralling!

I appologise my reviews haven't been as good or as regular as I would've liked.

Well done you! [Leads standing ovation]

Author's Response: *bows* Thanks so much! I don't know why you say your reviews weren't good - I enjoyed every single one! And I'm very happy you liked this fic! I believe my head is inflating fast... :)

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 11/03/07 9:32
Chapter: Hatching Plans

I'm intreged! A little worried about petunia, though. Isn't she going to end up dead. But she's crazy with grief so I suppose she doesn't think of these things. I like the way the other Marauders are there for her and prepared to help her - Lupin's little speech was touching!

I think Petunia and Myrtle being friends makes sense - Social Outcasts United?

Great chapter. 1 mistake:

'And she liked the feeling pf control.'----- 'of control'!

Author's Response: Thanks! Wow... I made the same mistake last chapter too, didn't I... In any case, thanks for pointing it out and thanks for the review!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 10/13/07 14:50
Chapter: Hidded Pain

As usual, your story is amazing!!!!!!
I stopped to think about why I liked it so much, and I think it's because you have chapters like these were not too much happens, and it's really phycolodgical the way Petunia deals with her grief. Very convincing!

Petunia is a breath of fresh air. She's very realistic, and very direct. She knows what she wants, but she isn't really sassy. It's a joy to watch her grown up! And it's nice to see a heroine who isn't pretty.

But, of course, what would be my reviews without (constuctive) criticism?....

'and I want, no, need, to avenge them' ---- this sentance is a bit confusing, especially with the commas all over the place. I'd put 'and I want – no, need – to avenge them'.

'and to just be my friend again. 'Cause I know you miss me, too," ' ----- it should be ' .’Cause I know you'

'"And anyway," Lily added, "they'll get suspicious. ' ----- I think it would sound better without the 'anyway'.

'And she liked the feeling pf control. ' ----- 'of control'?!?!

'Because we care about both of you.' ----- I think you need to put the 'both' in italics.

'One chip falling from the ice berg '------ 'Iceberg' is one word.

Apart from that, well done! I'm looking forward to see what Voldie's going to think about an assasination attempt by a handful of teenagers!

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it! I'll go make the changes you suggested!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 10/12/07 12:34
Chapter: Thoughts of Revenge

Sorry it took so long to get onto this chapter...blame my teachers!

All Petunia's meomories were touching and realistic. They really seemed to sum up growing up in some strange way.

Petunia wanting to kill Voldie is a bit mad. Even though she's a Muggleborn, wouldn't she have heard about him from other students from the school. She's going to get herself killed.

Nice chapter. Couldn't find any mistakes. Petuina is crazy. Lily is evil. Yeah, that's about it...

Author's Response: That's okay, my teachers are horrible sometimes too... And thanks for the review! No mistakes... cool... I think grief can have a crazy effect on people... Again, thanks for the review! :)

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/30/07 4:24
Chapter: A Story of Betrayal

WOW!!! Interesting plot twist, the whole spies and Muggles. I hope Petunia's dad was under the Imperius Curse/Veritiserum. He would be an easy target (or maybe that's just me believing the best in everyone!)

It was amazing! Petunia's emotion was really believable, and Dumbledore was IC telling her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

But there were a few things that needed to be cleaned up:

'This may shock you; it did shock your sister. ' -----'shock' is used twice. You could change one of them to 'upset'.

'As soon as the hex was lifted, by Tom's mother, who was deeply in love with his father, Tom Riddle Sr., Tom's father, deserted his wife and unborn son.' This sentance confused me when I read it. I'd re-frase it and maybe split it into two.

'Perhaps due to a lack of social life'------Oh come on! Dumbledore really wouldn't say that!!!!! He might possibly say something to that effect, but not with 'social life' and not quite so ... harshly.

'And I had to have spies, as I'm sure he does. '-----this is Dumbledore, so you have to say 'I am'.

'I do not think that Tom ever had true friends, but Heather, a fellow parent-less Slytherin was someone he confided in, perhaps as a parter in crime. '----- 'parter' should be 'partner'.

'When the woman married a muggle man, ' ----- 'muggle' needs to have a capital 'M'.

'we had decided that her family would never know of her dreadful responsiblity as a spy' ---- I think it's 'responsibility'.

But a very ironic chapter, the way Petunia said a couple of chapters ago her parents weren't involved in politics, and they didn't have dangerous jobs!

Fantastic!

Author's Response: :D Thanks for the review! I really have a problem with repeating words, I think... Thanks for the concrit! I'll go fix those things up right now! Again, thanks for the review! I'm glad you're enjoying the story!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/29/07 3:47
Chapter: Really Dead

This chapter was amazing! Everyone was very in character, which made this chapter even better. I loved the girls' two different reactions to their parents' deaths - Lily sobbing and Petunia thinking through it logically. And you could see at the end of the day, it was Petunia who cared more about her parents - the animalistic screams tugged at my heart!

James was also well-done. I'm not a big fan of him, but it was nice to see he could occasionally do something useful!

But...

'Lily stared at her, a mixture of disgust and hope on her face. '-----I didn't really understand why Lily was disgusted/hopeful with Petunia. Care to clarify?

'Professor McGonagall lead the two girls and James over to what appeared to be a portkey in the shape of an odd silver instrument. Everyone save McGonagall touched it, and they were off. '----- 'lead' should be 'led' and I'm pretty sure 'portkey' should be spelled 'Portkey'.

'When they reappeared, they were standing in front of the Evans' residence. Or what used to be the Evans' residence. '-------Evans' residence is used twice.

'Petunia, Lily and James followed apprehesvely. '------ My word processor informs me it should be 'apprehensively'.

To end on a pleasant note, her mothers' body holding a picture of Lily was a brilliantly subtle sum-up of the whole story.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked this chapter - I was afraid I overdid Lily... hehe. Anyway, also, thanks so much for the comments! I'm off to fix up those bits!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/28/07 15:25
Chapter: All Alone

Bonjour!

This chapter, again, was fantastic. The dreams, her misery...everything was portrayed angstfully, but on a delicate balance. It wasn't overwhelmingly sad. Just very, very poiniant.

But, as ever, I have some corrections:

'Perhaps James would tell her he had made a mistake he didn't love Lily. Of course he loved her, Petunia. '------You use 'love' twice. I'd change the first one to 'want'. Or something.

'She dreamt that she was laying in the streets, '------ 'lying' instead of 'laying' .... I think. I'm not exactly sure. But it's definitely not 'laying'.

'she took them and smiled like a movie star. '------it's more British to say 'film star'.

'Life couldn't be that cruel. But life had been cruel before, hadn't it? '----change one of the 'cruel's.

VERY dramatic cliffhanger!

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you liked this chapter! I really appreciate the comments, too. I'll go make those changes!! I hope you like the rest!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/24/07 11:33
Chapter: Bad Outlook

Hello!

The sadness and raw emotion of this chapter really moved me! Petunia acted really realistically. She almost seemed dead she was so unhappy, and the sudden surges of anger mixed with lethargy made her seem hormonal, stressed, miserable, and, dare I say it, likeable!

Her stubboness and refusal to leave her friend does her credit. This chapter seemed extremely mature and very well-written, so hats off to you! [Removes pointed hat and florishes at you].

BUT....

'Petunia ignored the plump, blonde healer standing in the doorway. ' ----- I think the two adjectives are a bit much. One would be much better (either blonde or plump)

' No! No!" under any other circumstances Petunia would have been shouting as loud as she could, ' ----- You missed the first " in the 'NO'ing bit.

'"Yes, it's me, Evans, don't gawk so,'-----I'd get rid of the 'so'.

'That's all, Evans. See you next term'----- the 'See you next term' sounds a bit informal. Ron's more likely to say that to Hermione that McGonagall to Petunia.

But apart from that it was B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T!

Author's Response: *Blushes* Thanks so much! I love getting reviews from you! *Squees happily*. I'll go fix those mistakes up right now! Thanks for pointing them out!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/23/07 4:36
Chapter: At Luisa's House

Oh no!

Luisa can't die!!! She just can't! [sobs into sleeve]

And so, anyway, where were we?

I can't really think of much to say, as this chapter was quite a short one, but it was interesting seeing Luisa's house! I wonder where she gets her oddness from, because her mum doesn't seem to be too abnormal!

It was good, as always. And it's nice to have a bit of a diversion from the whole Lily/James/Petunia love triangle...we'll have to see how that turns out!

Only one thing I could spot:

'On the bed sat many stuffed toys, all of them magical creatures. '----- this sentance sounds a bit awkward.

You'll have to excuse the fact this review is so short...the chapter was brilliant anyway!

Author's Response: I appreciate every review, and yours are definitely not too short! :) Thanks for reviewing and liking the fic! I'll go check on that sentence again! I hope you like the rest of the fic... :D

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/22/07 8:04
Chapter: It's Been Her All Along

Oh, you really know how to tug at my heart-strings! Poor, poor Petunia! I want to hang Lily my her stinking red hair from the light-fittings! Stealing her sister's boyfriend is just LOW!

I have to say I think this is the best chapter yet! The emotional power in this chapter really shows how much your writing style has progressed.

I love the way Lily is portrayed! I've never been very keen on her, and she's always shown as someone who's amazing by everyone, apart from you. You've taken her character in a completely different direction!

Just two things:

'I can't believe that I believed your lies. '----- there are two 'believe's. I'd change it to something like 'I don't know why I believed your lies' or something along those lines.

I think when Petunia first sees James and Lily, you should put in more vivid description. Choose a colour, let's say red, and only describe objects that are that colour (i.e. Lily's hair and lips, James' t-shirt etc). That was Petunia's thoughts will seem more garbled and confused.

A terrificly powerful chapter! Congratulations!

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you liked the chapter - and my portrayal of Lily! :) Thanks also for the great comments! I'll go take them right now!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/20/07 12:32
Chapter: Peter's Secret

Yo!

I am here and absolutely loving your story!

James straing at Lily...nooooooo!!!! Even though I do not like James at all, I could hardly wish to condemn him to a life with Lily. She must DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Sorry for the above, I do tend to get a little over-excited with stories I love!)

Oh, what a fatal error Petunia commits by trusting him. And how blind she is to the bleeding obvious. (But we are all blind in such matters).

Why am I talking so weird? Sorry, I'm having a bit of an 'off' day....

VERY dramatic ending to the chapter...well written and a brill cliff hanger!

Just a few things:

'A girl known to the school as Bella, or the Belle of Hogwarts. The girl was more than a match even for Lily; all boys who had ever seen her wanted her. '-----this sounds a bit OTT. Yes, Bella may have been drop-dead gorgeous, but having every single boy in the school wanting her is a bit much. And I think you should have made a direct comparison between a feature of Bella's and Sirius'...say her eyes. (I.e. She had [what ever colour] eyes, which seemed to Petunia almost exactly the same shape and colour as Sirius'.) But obviously you can write it better!

'Everyone else was far to busy acting like proper Muggles. '---- 'to' needs an extra 'o'.

Apart from that the story is flying!

Author's Response: :D We all have days like that from time to time, I think. Hehe... Anyway, thanks for the review and for your suggestions! I'll go fix those things up right now!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/19/07 10:57
Chapter: Peter Pettigrew

Lovely to see you again!

Your next chapter is (of corse) absolutely fantastic!

I love Peter's fanatical angst. It's good he's arround a bit because he tends to dissapear because Lupin, Sirius and James are such interesting, dominant characters.

Just a couple of things:

'After breakfast, the four boys ran upstairs to grab their brooms, as they had decided over breakfast to go out flying for a while. Petunia hadn’t been on a broom in ages. ' -----You use 'broom' twice, and it doesn't sound quite right.

'Arriving at the pitch, Sirius, Remus and James swung themselves onto their brooms immediately, while Petunia headed over to the broom shed with Peter, who also did not own a broom. Remus, apparently, was too tired and was sitting out. '----- Again, the 'brooms'.

'By this time they had reached the broom shed and were getting their brooms out. '-----Grrr.. enough with the brooms!

'as teenagers are apt to do.'----'as' needs a capital letter!

I absolutely love the last line. It sounds so...sinister, as though something's creeping up on them...I'll just have to wait and find out!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Woah... I have a real problem with brooms, you're right. I'll try to find a better way to word those bits... thanks! Glad you're enjoying it so far...

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/18/07 12:57
Chapter: O.W.L.s

Ah-ha! Hellllo, I'm back! (By popular demad!)

Petunia's panic at the start of the chapter was very well written! I know I feel just the same before going into exams, even if it's English when you just make your answers up.

It was a nice metaphor with the owl, that Petunia could be just as well loved as Lily if she didn't keep pushing her parents away. (If it wasn't intentionally done then you're just lucky).

I can't really imagine inviting boys on a camping holiday, especially as one of them was her boyfriend, but that's just me.

Just 2 corrections:

'"Evans, Petunia; Frank Luisa; Gad Samuel; Grant Morris," ' put those commas in, girl! (Frank, Luisa etc)

'"Wow!" Petunia said under her breath. She didn’t even stop to be jealous that her mum was obviously in more contact with Lily than with her, nor to consider that her mum really didn’t have a way to reach her younger daughter. '------this sentance is way too long (it takes up a wopping 4 lines on my Word Processor) so I'd put a full stop in somewhere.

Bye!



Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Good for popular demand! ;). Thanks also for pointing out the missing commas and whopper sentence... :D I'll go fix those right now! I hope you continue enjoy this fic... And thanks for reviewing and helping me make it better!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/15/07 7:59
Chapter: Meeting Luisa

I love Luisa! When I first met her, I thought 'she's so much like Luna' and then she turned out to be dating a Lovegood!

It's really good that Petunia's got a friend who's a girl. Cause girls who hang around with boys all the time get all sorts of nasty reputations...

I like Petunia's character. Lily is really annoying me (which I suppose she's meant to so well done). I've been wondering what she's doing in Hufflepuff until now (she seemed like she'd belong in any other house apart from Hufflepuff) but now I think she seems much better suited.

Now for the criticism (hey, don't look at me like that, it's necessary!)

Luisa's name ---- the spelling really annoyed me. Louisa is one of my favourite names, but it didn't look right without the 'o'. Just my opinion, though.

'For most of the year, Petunia's life continued in much the same manner,'---- I think you should change 'manner' to 'way'. It sounds better, to me at least.

'We could quiz each other," Luisa stated.'----- 'test each other' not 'quiz each other'. It sounds more British.

'Basically, she was like an only child'----I think 'She was basically like an only child' flows better.

'She leaned over and kissed James quickly on the mouth'---- the 'on the mouth' is uneccessary.

Apart from that, everything's very interesting!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! :D I do appreciate your comments, and I will go fix most of the things you said (I must admit I prefer Luisa without the "o", though, personally). I'm glad you like Luisa! (Even without the o...)

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/09/07 9:00
Chapter: Young Love

Awwww... how sweet and cute! I 'loved' the serious discusion, otherwise the chapter would have been altogether too fluffy. It was a nice balance.

Only one correction: 'The time not spent with homework and studying for the pre-O.W.L. pop quizzes'-----In England, we have tests, not pop quizzes.

I think this story is absolutely fantastic. It just keeps getting better and better!

Author's Response: Thanks for reading, reviewing, complimenting AND brit-picking. It's difficult for me to keep up with random differences like that so it's great of you to point them out! Glad you've enjoyed so far!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/09/07 8:55
Chapter: First Kiss

Petunia finally got her heart's desire! I love it - finally 'Tunia's got something Lily hasn't! (I don't really like Lily).

I thought maybe James was a bit OOC getting over Lily so suddenly. Maybe you could have a scene/flashback which made him change his mind, and didn't show Lily in a very good light.

What else? Oh yes, when Sirius burst back in. I thought that was VERY well done!

The only bit i didn't like was '"Yeah... you know, I... ah... I... saw... um some Slytherins... yeah, some Slytherins... they were... um... I mean... they looked... suspicious," Sirius added, "Remember, Wormtail?”' because although Sirius might hesitate a bit, he is the king of cool, so he wouldn't be that bad.

Other than that, I loved it!

Author's Response: :) Thanks! I think my head is slowly becoming as inflated as James's, but I'm loving every step, :D. You're right about Sirius, though. I'll go back over that again. Otherwise, glad you enjoyed it!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/09/07 8:48
Chapter: Outbursts By The Seashore

I love the way Lily's friends all forget that she's there! You made me feel really sorry for her. She seemed like such an outsider! I especially love the bit when they want to do side-along Apparation and then realise Petunia's coming too! Awww...she needs a hug! (From James).

Corrections:(I have to be cruel to be kind!)

'shrunk all the baggage, tied it to their brooms, and performed Disillusionment Charms on everyone, as well as the broomsticks and shrunken baggage. '----- you use baggage twice. I'd change it to luggage or bags.

'It couldn't be because her friends were insulting her sister, that much Petunia was sure of. '------- This is just my opinion, but I think you should have a full-stop instead of a comma.

But, it was brilliant! I love this story very, very much!

Author's Response: :D Thanks! I'm so glad you're enjoying the fic! And thanks so much for all the corrections. I really appreciate your input!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/02/07 5:38
Chapter: You Just Want Lily

Awwwww..... I feel so sorry for the poor girl. I thought you might've strung the 'he loves me, he really does. He's about to say so' bit because it was really good and could have done with more time.

But it was FAB!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! You're right, I'll look at that passage again, maybe I can squeeze a bit more out of it! :D Thanks again!

Reviewer: Phoebe Gruzelier
Date: 09/02/07 5:35
Chapter: Snape's Revenge

Your story is just so good! It keeps on surprising me. I love it!

I think the bit '"Yeah, I think that's what he was suggesting. Or are we so low-down that you wouldn't want to be seen with us?" he joked, then added in a stage whisper: "Wouldn't surprise me, you know, with these two around.”' was my favourite. The Marauders all stay like they should, and so do Petunia, Lily and Snape!

I think June is a brilliant character (the angsty, hormonal teenager)!

Just one thing I spotted:

'"How To Perform A Correct Summoning Charm And When It Can Be Useful In Everyday Life" '----- It needs to be '"How to Perform a Correct Summoning Charm and When It Can Be Useful in Everyday Life"'.

Looking forward to the next chappie!

Author's Response: Thanks! Things like that always escape my notice and I'm correcting everything you say! :D Thanks for reading and reviewing! And for praising my fic, :)

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