That was very touching...I actually got tears in my eyes.
This is my favourite story in the entire mugglenet fanfiction. I love the use of latin to impress certain aspects of the story. The first time I read this I was in tears. I felt the power and emotion of the story, like I never have before. Thank you for the best story ever.
*sniff, sniff* this piece almost made me cry. It is beautiful! Just reading it gave me goosebumps!
I'm not sure which is harder for me: finding something critical to write about this piece, or writing a review for you. Yet here I am doing both…
It's beautiful, to put it simply. Beyond the writing, it's the humanity of the emotions that really shines through. The phrases at the end of each vignette worked really well. I must admit that I got caught up in retranslating the Latin, but they brought the piece together despite my self-inflicted distraction.Each vignette is beautiful on its own. Seamus' disbelief, Neville's mercy, Ginny's futility. Yet they all share the same hope and the same despair. Together they are far more powerful than any of them alone. I think it's the emotional progression between them that makes the story so powerful. First there is Seamus, who “never thought” it would come to this. Then Arthur, no longer able to wait. Next Remus, who wonders why he is there, wonders if there is anything left. Snape, sorry for the second and last time, and the students who would rather be anywhere than there. Neville's bit may be my favorite; rage overcome by love. Luna, beyond hope, and finally Ginny, beyond despair. Each one follows from the one before it, yet each tells its own story.
My favorite thing is how you show the sky in each segment. I love how the night sky is reflected by the mood of the onlooker. It's beautifully symbolic, but not in a hit you over the head sort of way.It's difficult to find anything to criticize, but here I go. The section with Terry and the other students didn't quite work for me. I see why it has to be there, and the end of it (from But they knew that when their eyes opened) is both lovely and essential to the story. I think the first three paragraphs could use some tightening; they make up the bulk of the vignette and in my mind they pull the scene off balance. But that's only my opinion.
Really though, this is a beautiful story. I can't tell you how glad I am that I stumbled across it.*Realizes that she's submitting a review for something written by Seren and skitters away quickly to go hide in a dark corner*
I had a 600 word review, and then poof! I forgot about the stinking log-in issues. *Grumbles*
The suspense leading to each phrase is wonderful. I started to lean toward the screen every time I saw the bold out of the corner of my eye. I kept catching small details that actually meant a lot to the themes for each character. Writing the phrases down in a different language was very creative. It made them seem official and true. But I’m glad you also wrote everything out in English too. Otherwise I wouldn’t have understood it. ;) The overall theme was magnificent. Having the sun represent the war was simply brilliant. Now I’m going to steel Kay and Josh’s reviewing style for this.
Seamus: The feeling you get from this isn’t being right next to him. It felt more like I was him. Seamus’s paranoia towards what could go wrong reminded me you what I would feel like being relied so much. The fact that he didn’t want to be there but did it anyway to protect his family fit the theme perfectly.
Arthur: One statement really caught my eye on this one: “Ron waved merrily to him, flanked by Hermione and Harry, with Ginny sitting on the ground. He wanted peace for his children, peace and safety.” This really pulled together just what kind of man Arthur is. He referred to Harry and Hermione as ‘his children’, and didn’t care about blood. The phrase at the end of this really summed up his feelings about the war. “Let he who desires peace prepare for war.” It’s not fair.
Remus: His seemed the most in depth to me. “The moon had crossed the sky, shining mockingly at his back. The dog star flickered to the north.” It was so clever writing that Remus can look up at the sky and see his misfortune. You really emphasized on how much he had been through in the first war. What was really good was him thinking that ‘this was for what Peter used to be’. That was so in character for Remus. “I remember,” was the best possible phrases that could go there, even though it was short. It worked.
Snape: His apology to Rabastan was…in character. It shocked me (that was good!). It’s very rarely seen Snape apologize, much less be in character while doing so. I really liked how he wished that they had both been on the same side, so that he didn’t have to betray him. But he did the right thing. That’s why it was in character. Snape’s just complicated like that.
Terry: This whole section pretty much spoke for all the teens and their ambitions. That’s what I liked about it. “There were a thousand reasons to leave. The students charged.” Very moving, very powerful. I’m glad you chose people from houses than just Gryffindor, and referred to them as ‘the students’.
Neville: He finally got hold of Bellatrix Lestrange. For this particular encounter, Neville was well in character. The Gryffindor tie being covered in dirt and blood was a great wake up call. His thoughts to himself were good, because I’d imagine that by now he’d have a lot of mixed feelings.
Luna: I think it was best to have Luna watching rather than fighting. She has an unusual perspective of things, and it would be better shown from a distance. I liked how she noticed the lack of mercy. Watching her hope waiver was quite shocking, but it’s war. I think that really helped get you point across about the war.
Ginny: The sun also rises. Magnificent. I simply stared at that for a good five minutes. It was so contemplative, so meaningful! Her freedom highlighted the entire theme. Well done!
I think I outdid myself; 661 words for a review! I’ve seen chapters on some sites small than that! And I had to rewrite it too. Aw, but this deserved it. Great job.
'The Sun Also Rises' I like it that that is attached to Ginny. C.S. Lewis stated that the darkest hour is before dawn. That seems to be Ginny's place, in the blackest darkness before the first rays of the rising sun. The rest of the vignettes are incredible as well, but that one really hit me.
Il sole si leva anche. Favorite saying in the whole story. Mind if I use some of those quotes in my AIM profile or something? ;) I guess I'll just write this in the form that Lycanthropist wrote it...(not sure on how to do paragraph formatting so if you see random p's and symbols, that's why)
Well, fist the overall of the story: I thought it was good, but a very very different vison of the second wizard war than I imagined. but I suppose this put it in perspective for me anyhow. And in relation to that, I think that you did a good job with this genre of fiction: a darker look at the wizarding world. It was very unique to put quotes to different passages and people to different quotes.
Seamus: Nec aspera terrent. Very interesting. I was suprised that you would put Seamus in the story, and the task that he was assigned to. The relationship of his situation and his quote was very stong here and I think you did a very good job connecting them, but it was a little less philosophical than the rest of them, so it didn't really fit the trend...
Arthur: Si vis pacem, para bellum. when I fist read this quote, I thought of irony (which I have been seeing everywhere since 7th grade, but that's another story). Arthur wants peace, and war is what he gets. Based on "The Little Ones" and this story, I think that, when getting really deep into Arthur's character, you really do a good job in bringing out his personality to the fullest. Although this was the shortest passage, it was the best one.
Remus: Je me souviens. This is the perfect one for Remus. I will remember. How sad it is, for all of his friends to be gone, but he thanks them anyways. Even Peter.
Snape: Estas cosas que hacemos que otros pueden vivir. This passage come close in second. Snape showing weakness for second time ever, in books or in fan fiction. We don't usually think of Snape having a weakness since he is always so supieroir over everyone, but you brought this out in him. You also brought out the love in him by mentioning his friend.
Terry/Susan/Daphne: Au dernier homme. Another thing that suprised me. I wouldn't have guessed that you would put them in a story, though I wouldn't have bet that you would never (if that make any sense at all). To me, these people represent the people of the wizarding community; the people who are waiting to go back home.
Neville: Inest Clementia Forti. This quote fits Neville perfectly: he is not the stereotype Gryffindor. He has "quiet courage." And he has mercy. And that makes him brave. Beautiful. Just one thing though. In that last part it's hard to tell if he killed her or not.
Luna: Servabo Fidem. Okay, I promise, this is the last time I ll say this: this quote suits Luna so well. I will keep faith. Luna is known for keepiung fatith in any situation. And now she is losing it for maybe the first time. And she prays. Again, beautiful.
Ginny: Il sole si leva anche. Okay, I promised I wouldn't say it, and I won't because it's not true. This is more of a general statement. Now I think that it is interesting that you ended the story with Ginny instead of Harry. And I can't think why, even though I know that there is a good reason for it. I'm not complaining r anything, but it was just sort of weird. anyway, I thought it was a great way to end the story; with Ron bursting through and letting in the Sun.
My god, if I had a dollar each time one of your stories moved me Seren, I'd be richer than JKR herself. Great job. 10/10
It's great and powerful. It's so true that the sun also rises even in the darkest of places. Thank you for another great story.
Well, I'm glad to see you finally post this damn story. You must have been at least satisfied with this draft to have actually posted it, and I must say, it turned out well enough. Anyway, onto feedback, which I'm giving a small critique for each.
Seamus: This was probably my favorite one out of the series of vignettes. The repetition and his thoughts really set the tone in this. I especially loved his series of musings about all the things that could go wrong. The line "If only things were ever that simple" triggered an incomprehensible emotion within me. It's such a simple line and so bothersome and thought-provoking. I couldn't count how many times that thought alone has crossed my path. Anyway, Seamus was a perfect person to begin this with.
Arthur: His part was very fitting. The line about him being "one who cherished peace above all other things, but love" about killed me. God, what a fitting line. Damn you, Seren. You're making actually feel. I loved the line about "his Molly," too. How sweet! (What have you done to me, woman? I'm saying cutsie ootsie stuff now.) Well, lovely vignette.
Remus: Of course, my second favorite... hehehe. Yet again, you about murdered my emotional factor with him remembering the good ol' days. It's so sad, especially this being his second war. His thoughts of this second war were very well-done. "Why was he doing this?" and all those lines really tugged at my heart strings. Poor Remus.
Snape: The best written part, I thought, was definitely Snape. It made a lot of sense to me that you made him best friends in school with Rabastan. What a feeling to have to betray your best friend and having a two-sided wish: either Rabastan coming to the good side, or he not having bothered with the good. This piece was very, very well-done. Wow.
The Students: Though I loved this along with the rest of the story, it didn't get through to me like the others, and I remember you having trouble with this before. I can't pinpoint why I can't feel as emotional with this as the others, but it was still well-done. Though, I absolutely loved those last three lines. Beautiful.
Neville: This part at first was quite heartbreaking, and it's a good thing you put "uncharacteristically" because it was uncharacteristic for Neville, though understandable. To have the woman who made your parents insane at your mercy, is quite a big thing to handle and grasp. I loved that he didn't kill her, though. I don't think I would have either. As you put, "he was no killer," and that line is so true to Neville. His parents would not have wanted him to do it.
Luna: This was the most significant scene, to me. Luna losing faith really hit home, but her gaining it back absolutely tore a hurricane through my home. (I remember you have Servabo Fidem in your signature weeks before you wrote this.) Even in darkness, Luna is an optimist. (I wish I could say the same for myself, being a self-proclaimed pessimist.)
Ginny: Wonderful ending! ::claps:: I feel I've just finished watching a movie. Ginny's thoughts were utterly heart-breaking, how she heard Ron's voice and believed he wasn't coming. It's so human. I almost believed her until Ron came bursting like a knight in shining armor to save her. And as I said at Scriptor's Altus, that ending line "The sun also rises" reminds me a lot of Hemingway's book, one of the few novels I liked of his. It's also a great title to use because it builds up to this point.
Whew! That took me a while. Anyway, overall, I loved this series of vignettes. Well-done and masterfully portrayed. I think I outdid myself with this review. Time for me to rest, LOL. Anyway, lovely as usual, Seren. Great job.