MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
04/01/14 21:09 · For:
I read this fic because it was chosen for discussion in SBBC this month, but I was happy to do it, as I always enjoy your drabbles in TTB. This piece is significantly longer than a drabble, but didn't feel at all long in the reading. It's very well done in terms of story and pacing, and I didn't notice the length at all.
I like the structure you chose. The (flash forward) Amelia Bones POV worked nicely as bookends for the story of Evan and Dorcas. You tell us the end at the beginning and still manage to keep the reader invested and I think that is quite a feat.
Both characters are fleshed out well. I like how conflicted Dorcas was about what she was doing, and yet she couldn't seem to resist Evan. I was particularly pleased to see Dorcas running the more dangerous part of the mission as opposed to Sirius, which would have been the more obvious choice. I may be biased, but it was refreshing to see the girl handling the bulk of the action in that section. Loved her cat-like escape off the balcony. Good stuff.
Evan is always an interesting character to read in fanfic because every view of him is a bit different. (Except he's always quite a sexy thing, haha. Hey, it works!) The conflict you created in him was interesting. Perhaps conflict is not even the word for it, because he really was pretty disgusted with Voldemort and his ways at the point Dorcus runs into him at the ball. I liked how disconnected he was from his own identity as a Death Eater; it set things up nicely for him to become a spy for the Order. Very original take there, from what I've read of Evan Rosier.
The end was sad, as it had to be, but you sank the blow that much deeper by having him promise Dorcas it would all be all right. What a tragedy, and even more of one because he died so well, so honorably, and no one will ever know. Even Amelia, who seemed to trust her friend's good opinion of Evan in the end, could not have imagined that he had not been attacking the ministry at all.
If I were going to offer anything constructive, I would just mention that several consecutive paragraphs begin with the same word -- a character's name, if I remember correctly. I only noticed because it's something I do in my own writing and am trying to correct after a beta pointed it out to me recently. It didn't hamper my enjoyment of the fic though.
Lovely writing. I enjoyed reading.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your wonderful review. I'm really glad you liked the character development because it was the first time I have ever attempted either character. I love rare characters and putting rare characters together. I also want to thank you for your constructive critique. I do tend to unintentionally start my paragraphs with the same world, and I will be on the look out for that for now on.