MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
08/01/09 4:32 · For:
The Summer of 1914
Let me say that I liked this story, but I think you could have done more to make it brilliant.
You see, when I read the title, I was interested to see what the story is about as it is very eye catching. Then I read that brilliant summary of yours; the quote is just amazing and lets the summary be beyond words. I had very high expectations because of it, but once I finished reading, I felt a bit let down. Don’t take me wrong. I found the dialogue and the topics Cedric and Cho talked about very thorough and valid for a couple like they are, with him leaving school in a few weeks and she spending two more years at Hogwarts. I, too, would be worrying about what will happen would I be in such a relationship. But in my opinion this story would be more apt if more description was included. I particularly had liked to see more of the little pool with the waterfall. You only gently hinted, but a powerful description would have been better. It would have painted a more vivid image in my mind while reading. Like it is now, it confused me. When exactly did they arrive at the pool or climb in to take a bath? I wasn’t even entirely sure whether they were taking the bath or not, you know?
Also, I find you could have included their names more often to avoid confusion. It was particularly hard for me to see who is who at the beginning of the third scene. Who stood at the lake and who came down? I had to read it twice to really catch that it was Cho who came out to talk to Cedric from the comment studying for your O.W.L.s. Including at least one name in the first or second sentence of that scene would have made it even clearer.
Like I said above, I did like the topics they were talking about. It showed how mature Cho already was with her fifteen years of age. It also nicely showed what they felt for each other, that she feels a lot for Cedric and that Cho is deeply in love with him. What I found really great is how easy they could talk about doing it. There was no shame or stuttering, just a lot of trust in each other and their relationship. And I think trust is essential in a working relationship. You showed this wonderfully; it flowed so freely. The way they talked made it easy to follow their conversation. I also very much liked the idea with the discarded professor’s office and the divan. It’s very original and adds a beautiful touch to this romance.
Overall, I liked this one-shot, but I think – to fit the story better to the amazing summary – it needed more work. From the summary, I imagined a really beautiful and romantic scene. You hinted at it with the walk along the lake, the little pool and waterfall, but it didn’t really come across. In my opinion, adding narration once the competition is over would make this story perfect and an even more enjoyable read.
Author's Response: Thanks for your review. I'll go back and throw in their names a bit more to clear the fic up. I think it's a bit ironic that you think this fic feels incomplete. The word limit was 2000 (2100?), and when I originally wrote this fic, it was 3000 words, and I had to cut out a lot of dialogue.The last scene was MUCH longer, actually, but I decided to cut parts of it in favor or keeping most of the first scene where they decide to be intimate. I think, after the challenge is over, that I'm going to maybe add in description and turn this into a longer one shot. Thanks!!