Seriously good, although I hope we get to see why he did it... Oh wait, of course we will! That's why it's in there!
Yes, you will indeed find out James's secrets in later chapters, plus a whole lot of other stuff, so stay tuned. Drama ahoy! Enjoy the rest of the story. It was my first ever on MNFF. :)
This story was one of the best MNFF stories that I have ever read. Your characterization of the next generation characters was interesting and believable. I never thought that Goyle had the potential as a stand-alone villain, but your portrayal of him was well done. I really liked Anne; she was a fresh character to the universe who did not seem like she was forced into the universe to be a tag-along new face (if that makes since!). I enjoyed how James was so much like his grandfather but had a bit of Ginny's personality too. Each character was so complex, especially Harry, who was not annoying to me as he is normally.
It would be great if you wrote a sequel to this! It would be interesting to see how Mira grows up with her new family and how Albus and Anne are as a couple after the events of this story.
Author's Response: Yayyy, I'm so glad you liked the story. I'm planning on revising the story a bit down the line, if only to clean up the writing style a bit. I had such a blast writing this story, and it was through it that I discovered my propensity for Potter family drama. And I do have a sequel in the works down the line when my works-in-progress are finished or at least under control. I do have a couple stories that go along the storylines of this one. My story Eye of the Beholder detail the events in Nick Barnaby's life that turned him against Harry. About Last Night show when the romance between James and Augusta started. And All the Time in the World shows why Teddy Lupin never made it into this fic outside of an offhand comment. If you're interested in more of the universe, these are compliant to the canon of this story. Thank you so much for your review. It really made my day. :D ~Jess
I love it, I think that you have a great idea with this, and I can not wait to see where it is going.
Thank you. I was surprised when my baby plot bunny became a monster sized story, but I really like how it turned out. Enjoy the rest of the story!
(On Chapter 12 Albus and Draco's little excursion to Azkaban) I thought the only way to reach Azkaban was by ferry. If people could Floo into it, doesn't that kind of defeat the whole impenetrable fortress thing?
Azkaban is different under Harry's watch. Only prisoners are transported by ferry, as the Floo is not safe for that particular purpose. A prisoner can jump out at the wrong Floo if he manages to escape the grasp of the Aurors for just a second, and that is the main security risk. The reason why the fireplace is connected there is because, due to reforms in areas like humane treatment of prisoners, family members are allowed to visit Azkaban. The only reason why Dung allowed Al and Draco to visit unsupervised is because he had prior instructions (from Harry) that visits to James were to be private. He didn't want to run the risk of any discussion of the circumstances under which James as arrested to be known. Dung let Albus visit alone because he was frankly scared of him.
Hope that clears things up. :)
Thanks for reviewing. Don't hesitate to ask me any more questions you might have. Take care and happy reading!
Amazing so far !!! I can't wait to read more and more and more !!
Thank you very much!
There's plenty left to read, so hopefully you find the rest as satisfactory. Take care and happy reading!
Amazing description, and use of character relations. I can't wait to read on!
I'm glad you liked it. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
Take care and happy reading,
Brilliantly written. One of the best chapters I've ever read on a fanfic. Well done!
Thank you! I hope you keep reading and enjoy the rest of the story. Thank you for the review!
Thank you! I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
I debated about reading this story for a long time. I hated teh idea of yet another sirius in askaban. however it sounded intersting and the twist was certainly unique and so alas I am here reviewing. I must say I like how you have made teh characters, while there is no real cannon to base them off they seem believable. There is clearly a deeper story that we will eventually figure out. I can't wait to see James' real motivation. congratulations you hooked a non-believer
Well, I'm glad I piqued your curiosity enough to try. There is definitely a lot more to the story than in the first chapter...a lot more, actually. I hope that the rest of the story assuages your fears of a stereotypical story.
Take care and happy reading!
This first chapter of your first fic gives a very, very good first impression! And second...
Very interesting start! Will read what is already posted as soon as I can!
Why thank you! I'm pleased that you're pleased. :)
Everything i posted for this story minus the epilogue, but it's in the queue. Hopefully, it will be out before you get there. Happy reading, and if you like my writing in the first chapter, then you'll like subsequent chapters even more, because my writing vastly improves.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you stick with it!
Lord. This’ll take ages to review. Why did I wait? It’s a completely new story on which you take a new idea. You know where I stand as far as ‘Next Generation’ standing on loose details. With such strings JKR offers people in the epilogue, they have this opportunity (No, I’d say it’s more of an obligation if they truly want a good storyline), to create this entire world around them where they might fit in. I’m surprisingly hooked with these first couple of paragraphs. You have modeled the Wizengamot straight out of the “Hearing’ in Phoenix, so that fits canon well. You jump right into the action, which is a conventional, an expectation of young adult literatures.
his own brother, Albus Severus Potter,
Yes, I picked out a fragment. Here’s my point. While I can see that you use a formal voice for the court procedures, this is rather redundant. I can see earlier you put ‘he, Harry’ as a note of clarification, and that works, but why would we need to know Albus’s full name. (I often make a Spanish crack here, but I’ll skip it.) Do you see what I mean? He’s not on trial. The formal tone doesn’t need to be there. His family watched this? Well, yes, that does work because that happens a few times in Goblet of Fire. Can you imagine how horrible that would be as a spectacle? In the old days, as I am sure you know, that was the good old form of entertainment.
Her hair had become liberally streaked with white during the course of this trial, and her eyes now had worry lines that were not there before.
This above sentence seems like a bit of an over exaggeration, but we’ll go with it. I like that you consider James Potter to be a Quidditch player earlier in life; the fact that he finds a second career shows you completely thought this thing out. You bring a canon into the story quite nicely. To tell you the truth, I’d forgotten of good old Jimmy Peakes. Your detail here surprised me; you write narrative stories in a style that is similar to my own. I usually harp on people about the importance of a blend of dialogue, narration and flow. You explain these details well. The splintering of the wand is an interesting concept, though it’s even more interesting that you have James watch.
Right, so I’m just going to run though and discuss the rest of it. I am trying to think of whatever could have happened to Lily; she’s clearly the missing party here that we’re supposed to overlook. I’ll do that for now, but it is something that might be important. Why couldn’t James simply claim self-defence? You don’t have to answer that. I’m discussing that one with the plot bunny in my head. I do have to say the relationship between Hugo and James is well done. As a voice, looking at James, perhaps it is too formal, but what do I know? I’d thought he’d drop the elite, really elite, ‘proper English’ and knock it down to Standard English a bit. He sounds too proper when you consider the family and environment, especially if you look that he was raised inn the company of the ordinary Weasleys. That’s my major thing about him.
The wife, the wife confuses me. Is she the daughter of Neville and Hannah? Right, just so you know, I caught on to the surname of Longbottom, and I’m not slow. I’m piecing this together in a very tired head. Whatever enters my airhead is spilling out onto the paper. I think I’m writing out my reasoning. I feel for James here. Really, I do, and I’m all for justified punishment. Yes, sir. Can you tell I’m slipping? Making the reference to the entire family is just something elongating the guilt, the shame, the feelings. The ending of the chapter is poignant. It reflects the scene that you expect with this motif. Thank God he’s not just getting off because he’s, you know, Harry Potter’s son or whatever. I like that this is an older New Generation, and I would say that you are almost undoubtedly on a limb out there all by yourself.
‘Biirrd, Jess, biiird.’ (Sorry, that’s a line that I share with my Jessica when I tell her to go out on a limb. She just now got it. That’s my Jeshie.) Anyway, I love controversial literature. Any good literature, if you truly want it to be good and memorable to an audience, needs to push the envelope. I’m trying to do that myself and it’s a bugger at times. Well, I meant for this to be longer, but I’m falling asleep.
Let me know your thoughts.
You really covered all your bases there, didn’t you? Not a rotten apple in the bushel. This is undoubtedly one of the best things I have read in regard to fan fiction, and, in case you haven’t noticed, I am REALLY picky. Jennifer is amazed and thoroughly convinced she’s a ***** writer compared to you. Why am I writing in third person? You really, I mean, quite honestly, you blew me out of the water here. Damn, if I thought that I had a shred of talent. You are very talented. Why the hell aren’t you totally engrossed in original fiction? This is nearly that by a hair. I’m trying to be nit picky.
This thing reads like a damn novel. Well done.
First off, wow to the wonderful review! I know you said that you've been meaning to read this, but usually that is just something that people say when they want to make me happy, lol.
The thing about Albus is that I designed this story to be readable for someone that is not competely familiar with the Next-Gen family tree. Basically, I wrote two chapters, sent them to a few friends: one that was a HP fan, one that had seen the movies, and one that didn't know much at all. I crafted the beginning to meet the needs of those who had only seen the movies and those who don't really know Harry Potter. I probably could have nixed the middle name, but in my defense, this was the very first piece of fan fiction that I had written. Ever. Truthfully, I hadn't written creatively for about ten years before this, so I'm actually surprised you like it so well at this point. My later chapters and other fics are much more well-written.
The dialogue is, indeed, a bit stilted, and I've been meaning to fix it, but I consider finishing the Epilogue to this story more important at this juncture. It will be remedied as soon as I can get my lazy arse to do it. :D
And about James's wife - yes, she is Neville and Hannah's daughter. Canonically, they aren't listed as having any children, but it never said that they didn't, so I took some liberty there.
There are many, many buried hints in this chapter as to what happens later in the fic, all of which will become ridiculously obvious once you move along (which is how I meant it to be). The mod that approved this story all the way through actually started to read it a second time for enjoyment, and she was astounded by the amount of effort that I put into these little seeds of information, but I don't really give it away.
You will see many characters in this fic, most all of which are canon, and yes, there are a few fluffy spots, but considering the events surrounding them, you'll probably feel that these poor bastards need some solace.
I hope you keep reading and enjoy the story. It's got more twists and turns than a plate of spaghetti, so there is plenty with which to keep yourself occupied. Thank you so much for reviewing, and I hope to bump into you again later down the line! Since it will end up being, including the Epilogue, just a hair longer than Goblet of Fire, it might take you a while, though.
Take care and happy reading,
Ooh, very intriguing. You've set up the fic brilliantly, and I can't wait to see how the story proceeds.
From what I can see, James is going to be stuck in Azkaban for the rest of his life. But sitting there, it's practically impossible to do anything... I'm left wondering how things are going to work out. Will James break out of Azkaban? Or will whatever developements that are going to occur, occur when he's at Azkaban? Curious.
The chapter's very well written, the descriptions and everything are wonderful, and your choice of words makes the scenes so much more hardhitting.
Three nitpicks-- two small, one slightly larger. The first is that when this story takes place, Rita Skeeter is bound to be around 86, well past her prime. So when the Weasleys, being around 90, aren't able to handle the stress of a hearing (albeit a more personal stress), I somewhat doubt that our dear Ms Skeeter would be continuing her job... And even if she were, I wonder if she will be doing it with the same acrid pleasure.
The other small nitpick was that in the various trials that we have seen, there never has been a lawyer per se, and they've definitely never mentioned being a lawyer or an advocate as a profession-- Bellatrix, Rabastan and co didn't have a lawyer, neither did Harry or anyone else, really. I haven't read many PH fics, so I don't really know what kind of changes are common in the wizarding world in fanfiction, but I suppose this could be one-- introduction of lawyers to fight the case for people. I guess this is mainy to tell myself that I should probably consider any thing that I notice different from the canon wizarding world as the world developing in the span of around half a century. Sigh, that got rambly and probably didn't make much sense. Ah, well.
Moving on the to the larger nitpick-- as I told you over AIM, the dialogue seems quite stilted and overly formal in places. I agree that James is bound to speak with some degree of formality when speaking to the jury and the wizarding world at large after his hearing, but when he's really steamed up about Goyle making evil comments, or when he's talking to his friend (i.e, Hugo), he isn't going to be quite that formal. I'm sure that this will get better as I go along, but I just wanted to bring it to your attention, since dialogue is important... and if it doesn't flow well, it jars the reader, or ruins the flow.
Other than that, though, I have no complaints. For an unbeta'd first piece, it's brilliant so far. This review has gone for far more than I was looking for, I need to read the next chapter =D
Well, we discussed all of this over AIM, but I'll document it here in case someone is reading this review and thinks I ignored it (which I never do).
About Rita... I meant to change that to her daughter Raita, which is a play on Rita's name (Rita/Raita; Reader/Writer... get it? Yeah, I'm that awful, lol). Having a second-generation hack journalist is only fitting, since every generation has one.
About the legal representation, I have that as a system instituted by Kingsley at Harry's urging. He knows what it's like to stand in front of the Wizengamot alone, scared, and not knowing what to do. It's only fair to provide legal counsel to everyone to make sure that their rights are protected.
And the dialogue... I personally do talk that way, but I know that it is in need of polish. I intend to overhaul the first few chapters to fix this, but all in all, it definitely does improve.
I'm glad you like the story, since it is my baby. I told you a bit about its origins and what I wanted out of it, but it was a very long haul with lots of twists and turns. I hope you enjoy the ride as you read. :D
I have read the first 8 chapters and this is the best story I have read. And hope harry is not going to die. From the beginning I guessed that has something to do with Lilly. So, I'm going to continue with the rest of the story. I've also noticed there's very little of Ron and Hermione in this story. Just there adult children. Ilike it thank you.
Thank you so much! Truthfully, I think the later chapters are much better than the older ones, but that's just be being critical of my own work. I'm so glad you like it.
The story gets darker - much darker - and some of it is terrible. but for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The next chapter after this one is very dark, but it's so important to the story.
Ron and Hermione are almost completely absent from this story, because Harry did not want to involve them in what he was doing. Hermione does work for Magical Law Enforcement according to canon, so he didn't want to put her into any bad spots to where she would have to either turn him in or lie to her bosses. Ron he couldn't tell because he would tell Hermione, and that leads to the reasoning above. Harry is, after all, dabbling in dark magic (like an idiot).
Stay tuned, as there is a lot more story to go!
Take care and happy reading,
It broke my heart seeing Harry so old and his marriage falling apart! I have always really been a Harry fan and in my mind, Albus really represented what maybe Harry would have been like if he hadn't been "the Chosen One" and he'd grown up normally. Al was truly brilliant and you could really empathise with him as well as James, though I was surprised the wizarding world had no precedent on the issue of rape!
Also it was very interesting to see your portrayal of Draco! I truly thought it was a possible scenario for what could have happened and it my heart I hope it's real (even though I guess none of it is real).
And I'm terribly on edge hoping you'll say what happens with Harry and Katie!!
You did a wonderful job, this plot would go just as well outside of the HP world as in it and I loved reading it.
Ah, thanks for paying a visit to my little world that I've created. I really appreciate reader feedback so much!
Harry is, without a doubt, my favourite major character in the Potterverse, but he's also, in my mind, one of those men that are just not designed for marriage. He blindly accepts risk, keeps many secrets, and many times does things without thinking them out. This isn't who I built in this fic - Jo did that. I just extrapolated what could happen should these characteristics continue to manifest in his life, even after the Dark Lord's defeat. I truly do want him to be happy, but this course of events couldn't make any sense at all if he got a happy ending and Draco paid for it in blood.
Speaking of Draco, I really think that, with some proper characterisation and seeing canon events in a new light, could really be the man I made him to be. He's actually the subject of my next novel-length piece, which shows his road to redemption. It's halfway done, and when I'm finished editing and get to about 2/3 done, it will hit the queue. I, too, hold high hopes for this one.
My story is, above all, not a love story. Many of my reviewers forget that when they trash me for 'ruining' Harry and Ginny's marriage, but anyone with a couple of brain cells to rub together would realise that nobody would stay with Harry after what he had done in the course of their marriage, especially not someone as strong as Ginny. She's simply not that stupid, and to cast her to be that would be madly disingenuous.
Thanks again for reading, and the Epilogue is coming very soon!
Just kidding :-P
Wow Jess, that was AMAZING!!! I honestly can't believe that it's unbetad.
I love the way in which you wrote the court proceedings, and your scene setting and characterization is amazing.
Aw, thank you. :)
I'm glad you liked it, and I hope the rest is as enjoyable for you. I shall see you later on AIM, as usual.
I think this is sad but tremendously intriguing...
I'm glad you liked it enough to keep reading. This story, as you can tell, came from a very dark place in my brain.
I feel saddened but tremendously intrigued ...& ofcourse that swine Goyle did something to Lily..?!
Haha, if you think the plot is thick right now, wait until you get into later chapters. It only gets more and more involved. I hope you enjoy it!
And you will find out the elder Goyle's involvement in the whole ordeal soon, and the younger Goyle's role soon after that.
Happy reading! I hope to hear back from you. :)
Jess! I’ve owed you a review for this fic for who knows how long but now it’s (almost – I’m still waiting on that epilogue!) complete, I thought I should come and give you the review(s) you deserve. However, there is no possible way I could do the review justice without re-reading and to fit everything I want to say into one review would be an epic task so I’m going to review as I go along, this time reading solely for pleasure rather than work! I can’t promise you one for every chapter, but definitely for as many as I find something interesting to say.
Reading this first chapter again is a lot like reading the Harry Potter books after you already know how the series has ended. There are so many hints and signs, which on a first read through you wouldn’t even give a second thought, as they are so effortlessly and expertly woven into the storytelling, but which now scream out to me. It really shows how much you planned this story before you began writing and how you knew what was going to happen long before the reader did, making it easier to insert little hints and clues that were guiding the reader towards what was happening, even if they didn’t realise it. Particular moments where this was obvious to me in this chapter were the references to Lily. We can guess that her absence from the trial is significant and that there is possibly a link to Lily and the murder but from the way the first chapter is presented, it’s impossible to guess just what the final conclusion is going to be. James’ guilt in this chapter just seems so final and so certain – his father, brother and even he, never try to deny it – that it seems hard to think there could be an alternative explanation. I did like the line, The outburst before getting in the car was unplanned, which seemed to drop in the smallest of hints that perhaps James was in control after all, and planning the whole thing, rather than completely helpless as he appears, therefore suggesting another explanation for the murder.
There were also the hints about Barnaby that I can’t believe I had forgotten and which appear so early on in the story without anyone realising. Granted here, he does appear to be planning to cause some sort of trouble due to his ambitions and plans for future promotion, but still I was surprised when I later read of his involvement in the events which follow this chapter.
You create very powerful and effective images in this opening and it certainly sets the scene for a dramatic story. I really felt I could feel the pain of all those present at the trial as James was sentenced to life imprisonment and on a first read, I remember hoping so much that James was not responsible for what happened, but struggling to understand how else he would have been convicted. Even reading it again, I still felt a little bit anxious as I read James’ sentence, so excellently is his guilt portrayed. This line was particularly vivid for me: The sound of snapping wands always made him a little queasy, but to break the wand of a man whose father had been his friend for over four decades, was doubly nauseating. We have seen references to wands being snapped in canon, but never seen the actual event and I felt I shared Peakes’ feelings of nausea as he had to snap someone’s most important link to the wizarding world, leaving them almost completely powerless. The image is made even more effective by featuring a character from canon and sharing their own individual moment of pain, giving us a glimpse of how important Harry and his family still are to the wizarding world and how hard it is for their friends to accept what has happened.
You set up the characters well; obviously, this story takes place some years after the last canon event we see and therefore you are able to play with the characters a certain amount. It’s interesting to read from the beginning and compare it with the transformation some people have undergone by the end. Even though only a moment of Albus is seen in this chapter, I immediately warm to him (and indeed, I think he is one of my favourite characters in the story) as you show us his helplessness as being unable to prevent his brother’s sentence. My initial feelings of James were, interestingly, somewhat negative. Obviously, in this first chapter there is the belief that he is actually responsible for murdering someone, and his acceptance and seeming lack of regret for his actions makes it hard to feel particularly sympathetic towards him, though I do feel pain for those around him. The Harry and Ginny relationship at the opening is an interesting contrast to how it is by the end and it took me several chapters when I was first reading through to realise what your intentions with it were. However, once again, there is here a hint towards the future of Harry’s character when you say: His father often had a far away look when he though no one was watching. You show that clearly Harry is someone who remains troubled and bothered by things even after the worst part of his life is supposedly over and it makes a reader wonder what could still be happening to him.
The final thing I wanted to comment on in this chapter is your style. The story is a good read, but occasionally I found some of the sentences were becoming quite long or wordy, making me need to go back and re-read to get the proper point of the sentence. Other than that, there were only the very occasional minor technical slips though nothing which affected the readability of the story (which I would hope since I’m the one responsible for approving it!)
I can’t wait to continue my read through as I think it’s going to be quite an interesting experience to remember things I have probably forgotten.
It's going to be odd, interesting, and useful to go through all these chapters again, especially if you're planning on reviewing them fairly frequently. I dislike my style quite a lot in the first chapter, and as the future chapters progress, I hate it less and less. This was the very, very, very first thing that I had written since high school (7 years ago), and while it wasn't terrible for a first time outing, I really wish that I had got some practice in TTB or the mini-Nano. I did the real NaNo while writing this story, and I still managed four chapters and my 50K. I was pretty impressed with myself, lol.
The reason why I waited until I wrote 20 chapters before starting this through the queue is precisely because of the small flashes of things to come. I knew, mostly, what I wanted, though most everything past chapter 23 was developed as I was writing the preceding chapters, so the details were all poked in there, just to see if anyone could see what was coming. Honestly, I don't know how anyone could possibly guess the end from anything in the first chapter, let alone the first 20 chapters, but ideas needed to be formed.
About Barnaby - I couldn't have someone that just hates Harry for the hell of it...I needed him to be legitimate. He seems Gary-Stu here, but it was basically a name-drop for future references.
Albus, by far, was my greatest victory in this story, but in terms of this chapter, I wanted to show him as a little less pumped full of bravado than James, as well as a bit of a nerd/geek. Normally, I'm sure family does not represent family in a court of law, but I really needed Albus, as well as the rest of them, to think that James was guilty.
Harry's far away look meant a lot of things. First, I wanted him to not be able to watch, I mean really watch, as his son was sent to prison for something he knew that James didn't do. Second, Harry is a keeper of many secrets, all of which weigh heavily on his mind. Not only does his job entail many secrets of national security, but between eventual revelations and the matter at hand, how could they not?
Ginny still clings to Harry at this point because she doesn't yet know how much Harry isn't telling her. It was when she starts picking up on just how much he's keeping from her 'for her own good' that she starts saying 'enough is enough.' Any sane woman would do so - I don't care if your spouse is Harry freaking Potter...he shouldn't be allowed to keep that much and still call it a healthy relationship.
Well, anyway, again, thanks for reviewing, and I look forward to further installments. I'm still debating hard about what I want to include in the epilogue, or it would have been written by now. When it is, I'll drop you a line on LJ or something so you can get to it first. Don't want any 'sweepers' coming to carry it away, lol. I'm just glad that my semi-atrocious writing from these chapters filtered down into the way I ended the book.
Take care and good luck with food-nicking flatmates!
Wow! what a story. I have been following this one from the beginning. But I cannot wait anymore. Why aren;t you updating? It will be so sad if Harry and Ginny do not get back together even after such a display of emotion. Please let them stay together.....
Well, the updates have slowed because I have run out of finished chapters to send through the queue. I have one in the queue right now, and I'm halfway done with the next one, so updates will come a little faster than lately. Trust me, I have been working on the story, but it's been a slow go because I want to put forth the best story I can.
As for Harry and Ginny, they're just like everyone else; every married couple has issues, and you'll learn a bit more about some of these in the next chapter. I also plan to write an accompanying piece, going into further details. I haven't completed the story yet, but I'm only one or two chapters away. Hang in there and thanks for reading!
Please don't let Harry and Ginny split up... I think in many ways they're acting in character - but wouldn't they both want to be there for their daughter, together? Surely they'd get over this, and not get all cross with each other about what's happened. It's sort of annoying, because it looked like we were all set for sorting it out and having a (mostly) happy ending, and now they've decided to have a fight...
I still really want to know what happens...
Well, one of the things we often learn in life is that there aren't always happy ending, and things are seldom fair. If anyone can tell you that, it would definitely be Harry - he's, in my opinion, one of the least truly understood characters, despite being the most noticeable. Even Ginny herself idealized him for much of the time that she knew him in the books, but does one truly change their first impression.?
We are nearing the end of the book, and there are still a lot of things set to occur, so I hope you stick it out to the end. :-)