MuggleNet Fan Fiction
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Name: BertieBotsBeans741 (Signed) · Date: 06/30/09 20:30 · For: Chapter One: A Still Room
Mere, dear, I'm keeping this review strictly to the first chapter though I do plan on reading the rest. =D

I thought the opening was standard, almost. It wasn't bland but it could have been more enjoyable. I would have encouraged more vivid description. I know it's the first paragraph but it really would have grabbed my attention.

I loved the eerie feeling that immediately settled in after that introductory paragraph. Very unsettling. The words and imagery really set the mood and prepared me for the ensuing events.

Even though Sirius couldn't find Lily right away, I thought it was peculiar that he was suddenly perturbed and had this feeling of dread. I never saw Sirius as particularly paranoid though I suppose it makes sense in the situation. I wish there had been more detail to lead up to it. Creepy little details, hehe. Like something knocked over or broken.

Luckily, he realised the scared rabbit in the mirror was only himself, before that embarrassing act could happen. He look around self-consciously, lest Lily be in the doorway laughing or someone was actually watching him.

I found it hysterical how human and normal his reaction was. And then as the realization of the blood-spattered chair hits. Oh, how interesting! I can just imagine the wash of horror and utter fear. Though I didn't know whether the period idea was for comedic relief of if that was a serious thought, either way, I emitted quite a few laughs. It just seems so ridiculous but still plausible.

Once again, I find it odd that Sirius jumps to conclusions and the 'death of Lily Potter.' Is he just overreacting or is this serious business? I don't think the line is distinct enough. I think the chapter confused me. I didn't understand why things happened so suddenly without explanation. Obviously, not enough to give away the plot but just to clear up the vagueness.

I'm particularity fond of this line though:

An anguished moan escaped his lips, clouds swirling in front of him, fogging up his mind.

The ending was a good cliffhanger. Now I'm really curious. Besides those little nit-picks, I really think the story and plot could advance into something really enthralling. I look forward to finishing this!

Name: luinrina (Signed) · Date: 04/10/09 10:39 · For: Chapter One: A Still Room
Mere, this story starts off interestingly. I really like the mystery you’ve created. What happened to Lily? Is she really dead? If so, where’s her body? Those are the questions that run through my head at the end of chapter one. I also like how you’ve written Sirius’ emotions, what he feels when he sees the blood. What he’s thinking, what he fears.

What drew me in was the light humour at the beginning. Being a mother hen, James had asked Sirius to stop by every once in awhile to check on his beloved wife – meaning he wanted daily reports that she was alive and coping without him. I laughed out loud when I read that. You might want to change “awhile” to “a while” though.

And then you dive into the angsty part, and the mood of the scene changes entirely. The change is done smoothly, captivating me right away. Awesome job. I especially liked those parts:

It looked as though Lily had taken paint and splattered it all over the chair.
Red paint.
Crimson paint. Scarlet paint. Blood red paint.


It screamed of eeriness. It screamed of stillness. It screamed of emptiness.
It screamed of death.
The death of Lily Potter.

They fit the scene so nicely, and the repetitive pattern of the sentences let a cold shiver run down my spine. It’s spooky, the scene and the way you set it. You’ve worked magic here.

Wonderful chapter to start off with. I’m looking forward to read the rest.


Name: inspirations (Signed) · Date: 01/24/09 10:03 · For: Chapter One: A Still Room
Hi, Mere! Well. I’m surprised this only has one review -- you write really well. I’ve only read the first chapter, and I look forward to moving on. You’ve built up the beginning of the mystery well.

Sirius’ characterisation intrigues me. Not telling James right away seems somewhat deceitful, but I suppose he wants to know why Lily’s dead first … Hm.

The sense of Sirius being watched had me on the edge of my seat. I fully expected someone to jump out from behind that chair and ‘avada kedavra’ him. Even though they didn’t, I still feel as if the killer -- or maybe Lily in her spiritual form -- was watching him.

I liked that he didn’t jump to the worst until he saw the blood and went through the possible, limited, theories. I almost laughed when he wondered whether the blood was from her ‘time of the month’ -- and I probably would’ve if the scene weren’t so serious. It’s just so … Sirius. Or it’s a glint of the Sirius we see in a lot of Marauder-era fan fiction anyway, but more down-to-earth.

The eeriness of this chapter kept me interested. I could feel a sense of that building up as he got closer to the chair, which was effective.

It screamed of eeriness. It screamed of stillness. It screamed of emptiness.

It screamed of death.

I love the emphasis in ‘screamed’. It’s like -- that is the point in this chapter where your lips part in an ‘o’. If you know what I mean. :/

The character development for Lily, even though she’s gone, was great. I got a feel for who she is, and why Sirius could find no other solution.


I liked it - a great start. Good work. xx

Author's Response: O.o This story does seem to attract some great reviewers. Thank you very much for your wonderful review, inspirations! Sirius's reason for not telling James is explained later on...in the next chapter, I think. >.> I think my head has grown a size or two from all your comments. ;) I'm so glad you liked it and I hope you read on. Thanks again! xox Mere

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