Ormus had a problem.
A teensy weensy problem.
Just a little one.
He was being held upside down by a fire-breathing monster twice the size of his wife’s shoe cupboard. And that mean big. Very big.
How did he get into this situation? That is a long story, which can be summed up in one word: he-was-camping-in-the-mountains-when-he-had-to-do-that-thing-that-starts-with-PE-and-ends-with-E-when-he-went-behind-a-few-trees-a-monster-grabbed-him-and-took-him-away. And yes, hyphenating it makes it a single word. So there!
Anyway, he was being hung upside down by a fire-breathing dragon. The worst thing about it? He needed to piss.
Ormus felt into his pocket for his ancient wand which had been passed on to him after various generations. You ask, since he is hanging upside down, why did his wand not fall out of his robes? Well, for various reasons, mainly being that it was essential to the plot of the story that the wand should not have fallen out. Well, back to the story. Ormus pulled the wand out heroically, and opened his mouth to utter the curse that would blast the dragon into smithereens, making him the wizard most talked about, the most famous person ever…
Until he remembered that he was a Squib. True, he had a wand, but all the same, he was a stupid, stupid Squib.
Now, you, the reader, needs to know that being the year 1200, many things that are absolutely essential for the continuation of the human species on Earth had not been invented, like firewhisky, telephones, and those little plastic things on the end of shoelaces (Or, for that matter, shoelaces. Or shoes!) At that time, Wizards had not devised a way to harness the magic properly, but just had managed to make a stick that you could direct your magic through. With many years of use, the wand started to imbue magic, and became unbalanced magic containers OF DOOM!
Basically, a wand as old as Ormus’ was like a grenade with the pin looser than old Grandma Jose’s underpants. Or like a wife who waits at home when you stumble back, drunk and groggy after a night with your mates.
So Ormus was in a fix. His wand was useless, he was about to get killed, and something was threatening to trickle out… He screamed in anger and frustration.
The monster reared its head and started to shake Ormus. He felt his brains rattling in his skull, his teeth chattering. His wand slipped from his hand….
The monster seemed to have enough of this game. It brought Ormus to mouth level, and walked forward, opening its mouth to swallow Ormus… time seemed to drag on… It lowered Ormus into its mout-
Blood and flesh everywhere, the place full of smoke. Ormus lay on the ground, bruises on his head, fractures in his hand, and piss in his pants.
The next day, he was overheard describing to the Daily Prophet his fierce duel with a monster which he called the “dragon”, and how he overcame the beast with his prowess.