• Good Quidditch
• Colorful Dialogue/Description
• Sudden Ending (needs a bit more resolution)
• More Development of “Evan/Elaina”
• Used Snitch instead of Snidget – canonical error
• A Few Mechanical Errors (quaffle instead of Quaffle)
Let’s begin with the Quidditch. You guys did your research – the first World Cup was FILLED with fouls. You also had a lot of creativity in regards to the fouls. We know that the first World Cup falls right on the dividing line between pre-modern and modern Quidditch, so we understand why you used the Snitch – but the prompt asked for a pre-modern game, so you should have used the Snidget.
Aside from that, your characters truly made your story shine – each one of them from Tristan to Cellon had vivid personalities. The only person that fell flat was the actual main character – Evan/Elaina. We feel like she was pitched as the main character in the story, and then we barely saw any of her personality or thoughts. Try to keep the main character in focus next time around. Your humor, dialogue and description made for such a colorful, engaging story. However, the ending sort of dropped off – a bit of resolution after the big discovery of “I’m a girl,” would have finished the story off better. Finally, watch your mechanical errors. You only had one or two, but they were easily fixed, so next time, try to squeeze that in if you can. Overall, very well-written story and a pleasure to read!