Title: Just the Whimsical Dreams of the Realist
Candy Heart used: spilt tea
Rating/warnings: 6-7th years, strong profanity, sexual situations
Author's note: My apologies in advance.
“D***it!” Remus explained, trying desperately to mop up the pale brown liquid off his essay. If he had bothered looking in a mirror, he would have seen the dark circles under his eyes pleading with him to sleep, or how pale his skin had gotten. There was just too much he had to do, and with the full moon being two nights ago, sleep simply hadn’t been in the cards. He had all of his N.E.W.T. work, plus extra because of his furry little problem, and prefect patrols, and with James and Lily practically shoving it in his face…
No. James loves Lily, he’s always loved Lily. That was it; Remus didn’t even fit into the equation, and besides, they all knew James was as straight as can be. But knowing that just made everything harder, because Remus wanted James to be happy – which he was – and that’s all that should matter, right? If he really loved James, then his feelings wouldn’t matter, that he would just want the best for James.
In all honesty, though, Remus just felt empty inside. He was alone in the common room at Merlin knew what time with spilt tea on the essay he had spent four hours on. Brilliant.
“Bloody hell, mate, what are you doing up? Shouldn’t you be sleeping after… you know…” Remus didn’t even have to turn around to know who it was.
“Great. F***ing great, James,” he replied icily, before waving his wand to rid the table of the tea. His heart sank when he looked at his writing, realizing his work had been for nothing.
“You need sleep, Remus,” James said calmly, his voice filled with concern. This was what sent Remus’s heart fluttering, along the normally unruly hair now sleep-tousled, and seeing how his glasses were slightly askew. “Apart from, I don’t even know if you wrote that in English.”
“I’m fine.” Mustering every ounce of conviction he had, Remus forced a smile at James. It wasn’t bloody fair how Remus could look at James and feel so empty, but still want him. It was like he was guilty for doing nothing at all, but for what he wanted to do.
“You look like s***, Moony,” James said, not backing off. Instead, he just sat down next to Remus, before waving his wand and sending everything into Remus’s schoolbag.
“Oi! I still have-“ The protest was immediate. There was just too much to do, and it kept Remus from thinking. Thinking was bad, because then it would lead to James, but James loved Lily, and he was just Remus’s friend.
“No. You need sleep. Not to do Transfiguration, or whatever the bloody hell that was. You haven’t been to the dormitory since the full moon, and you are going to march up there now.” There was something in James’s voice, and in the way he was sitting so close to Remus, staring into his eyes, that set something off. It was the f***ing Gryffindor inside of him that made him do it, the impulsive idiot buried inside that possessed Remus.
Leaning in, he pressed his lips on James’s. It was nothing like Remus expected; in fact it was quite the opposite. Remus didn’t feel anything at all… except guilt. It wasn’t normal guilt either, not like the normal kind, but a twisting, sickening kind that made Remus hate every fibre of himself. He shouldn’t be doing this, not with James, and not like this. He has a girlfriend.
But that was before James started kissing back.
Something tugged at Remus’s gut as James took control, running his hands through Remus’s hair. Wrapping his arms around his best friend, Remus bit down slightly onto James’s lip, causing him to emit a low groan. Then his hands explored James’s chest, muscular from Quidditch training, while James hands slowly moved their way down Remus’s back.
For the first time in a while, Remus’s mind went blank. He was lost in the moment, in the feeling of James pressed up against him, that it took a minute to remember where he was when James pulled away.
There was fear etched in every grain of the hazel irises, and immediately Remus knew what was coming. He always knew, but the tiny little voice inside his head refused to believe it for so long.
“I… I can’t, Remus. Lily,” James stuttered, trying to explain, but Remus just nodded. As much as he hated to, he understood why it would never work, and just waited for James to leave him alone once more. It was always better that way; the emptiness would squash any nonsensical ideas Remus’s head would come up with.