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Thread: August Activities 2010

  1. #11
    Sixth Year Hufflepuff
    Seeking Keys
    inspirations's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    in a book <33
    A review for the first chapter of Weakness, with references to others chapters despite them not being up yet

    Out of all the fics I’ve kept up on my author’s page, this is perhaps my least favourite, and the one I’m proudest of at the same time. I love it, because it’s the first story I have that’s surpasses 10,000 words. At the same time, however much I edit this one, I think I’ll always be disappointed with it.

    Second person is one of my favourite voices to write in, so naturally I wanted to have a go at something longer in that tone. I’m still not sure that was a good decision, but it would take too long to comb through and change it all now. As much as I love second person, I do think it’s a little too much in this story – too many ‘yous’. I’ve tried to moderate them, and to a degree succeeded, but for me it’s still more repetitive and detached than I’d like.

    Saying that, though, I do like the opening scene in this story, and I do like the second-person perspective represented there. It gives me more of a sense of the Dark Lord through Bella’s eyes, while at the same time I could have fun describing his majestic-ness and getting a fairly good balance on those ‘yous’. In fact, I do like the way I’ve characterised Voldemort, though I accept that my interpretation is probably not to everyone’s taste. Particularly the way he talks – I’m not sure I ever wrote a scene with Voldemort before this one, and it was a nice challenge trying to capture a snapshot of him.

    Another thing, again in regards to characterisation, I like is the house-elf/Bellatrix dynamic. The way the elf reacts around her was meant to convey a shadow of the fear that she conjures in people years later, and I like the way it works out, especially combined with Bella’s dismissive attitude. However, I’m not so keen on the rest of the chapter. It makes me sad, because I do think I’m good at the beginnings of stories, but not the bit that comes next.

    The Rodolphus part is maybe a little too stunted in places. Like where the conversation dries up, I don’t think I should’ve included that detail looking back. It would flow so much more smoothly if I’d just left that bit out – for one thing, because the detail seems kind of unnecessary, and as said in one the reviews slightly OOC for Bella. However, I wouldn’t change this scene too much, because the Rodolphus-Bellatrix relationship is necessary for later scenes, and I don’t think I’ve done too bad a job introducing it here.

    However, the Narcissa/Bellatrix part at the end I can’t help cringing at slightly. I wanted to include the Lucius/Narcissa subplot because the Blacks would approve of such a marriage, and I wanted to show there could be a love match. Based on the Malfoys’ behaviour in book 7 I do believe their love is very genuine. I’m not sure whether Narcissa would’ve been so frank with Bellatrix, though, who would perhaps be quick to ridicule... Maybe it would be better to have cut this scene out, but it is the only inclusion of the sister’s dynamics, really, and the only real discussion of Lucius between them. Since I don’t want to drop the subplot because of what it represents to me, I think there needs to be some representation of the sister’s characters because of it. And this is what this scene does, even if I could’ve done a better job of it.

  2. #12
    Russia Snow
    Title: Woah, woah, woah that's creepy.
    Word Count: 375
    Favourite Character: Dominique
    Least Favourite Character: Snape
    Ratings and Warnings: 1st-2nd years/None
    A/N: I'm too lazy to get this beta'd.

    “You, missy, are a nasty cheater and I will NOT have you in my school!”

    Dominique looked up, astonished to see a tall, greasy haired man standing in front of her.

    “Who are you? What school? I’m not in school...”

    The man in front of her narrowed his eyes.

    “That’s two weeks detention, Miss Weasley!”

    Dominique’s eyes widened, two weeks detention? For what? From whom? Who was this man standing before her threatening her?

    “Wh... but...”

    “There will be no buts in my classroom! Get out!”

    “I don’t understand!” I’m not IN a classroom!”

    The darkness around Dominique swirled, and solid stone walls formed. She tried to take a step forward and bashed her knee hard against a wooden desk that had materialised in front of her.

    Dominique didn’t understand what was happening, she could have sworn she wasn’t in a classroom, and yet here she was in a dark dungeon room surrounded by desks. As she looked more closely, people appeared behind the desks, shimmering into view. The harder she looked the more people she became aware of.

    The tall man with long, black greasy hair and a hooked nose who stood in front of her, seemed to be getting angrier and angrier. She couldn't for the life of her remember what she had done to deserve being sent out. She assumed this man was her professor, and that she was in potions class, and yet she had no memory of ever having been taught by this man before.

    “INSOLENT GIRL!” The professor suddenly shouted at her. He raised his hand as if to hit her, Dominique flinched, awaiting the heavy blow. But it never came. Instead, the forbidding teacher commenced to poking her, gently in the arm.

    “Why are you poking me?”

    “Because you just yelled “Don’t hit me!” and now the entire potions class thinks you’ve gone loopy that’s why.”

    The harsh voice was morphing into a friendlier, softer voice, though still male. Dominique frowned and the dungeon began to swim around her, only to re-appear seconds later as her eyes flicked open and she sat bolt upright in her seat, nearly causing Jordan to fall off his.

    Dominique’s face reddened as she realised the entire potions class was staring at her.

  3. #13
    Sixth Year Gryffindor
    Voldemort's on the Back of Your Head, Professor

    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Title: Untitled
    Word Count: 329
    Favourite Character: Regulus
    Least Favourite Character: Narcissa
    Ratings and Warnings: 1st-2nd years/None
    A/N: No time for a beta, as I am past my cerfew writing this. Which is why it is so bad. And I imagines Reg as about 8 or so.

    Regulus sat quietly at the dinner table as his older relatives talked. His family and cousins, Bellatrix, Narcissa, and Andromeda, along with their parents, were over for dinner.

    The adults were speaking vaguely about something, but he paid them no attention; he was too focused on one of his cousins. Narcissa was sipping water from her glass, looking at her empty plate. She, like everyone else, just finished eating. She looked up when her parents stopped talking.

    “Why don’t you five go into the other room,” Regulus’s mum said.

    Sirius stopped playing with his food to look up. “Why?”

    “Because we need to talk.” His father’s voice was beginning to sound strict. He never liked being questioned in public.

    Sirius got up and walked away, not showing any emotion.

    Andromeda and Narcissa both stood up, not caring about being excluded from the conversation. But Regulus looked at his parents, and Bella at hers, both wondering what they were talking about. She was the first to say something.

    “Can I stay?”

    Although she was older, he knew that she wouldn’t be allowed to. Her parents wouldn’t let her. One look from her father told her that, and she left the room. Sensing that he was about to get in trouble, Regulus quickly left also.

    He heard a door shut up stairs, and he knew that Sirius was in his room. There was no point in trying to talk to him.

    His cousins would be in the only place left – the parlor. But only Narcissa was there.

    “Hello.” The chair she was on was too big for her small body.

    “Hi.” Regulus never liked talking to his cousin; she was never interesting to talk to.

    Instead of speaking again, she craned her neck to see who was walking toward them.

    It was Bellatrix.

    “Move, Cissy.” Bella always liked having the best seat, and her sister was sitting in it.

    Regulus smiled. “So, Bella, how’s everything been?”

    “Just fine, Reggie, just fine.”
    ily Andi, Lise, Ronnie, and Becca.

    Banner by Bine/Luinrina. Lise/Annalise made my fun-to-look-at avvie. I've been ghosted!

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