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Thread: QWC - Okay, team seven. Time to huddle.

  1. #131

    Voldy's Deathpants, Part Three

    (100 words by Mind_Over_Matter)

    Deciding this was a good time to pep up her team, Tonks summoned her group.

    “Come here, everyone!” Ron, very relieved, came down from the goal posts as Charlie caught the Snouted Werebludger. Fleur stopped trying to kick Nagini, Moody joined the group, magical eye spinning, General Uproar trotted over, broom underarm, and Kingsley Shacklebolt, the nearly unpublicised other beater, turned up too.

    “WHY?” asked the General pompously.

    “Because it’s time for a huddle/huggle. I know we’re only in the lead by barely over eight hundred points, but-”

    It was at this moment, however, that Tonks was interrupted, by…

    (87 words by Schmerg_the_Impaler)

    The one and only Bellatrix Lestrange.

    "HEHEHEHEHEHE!" she cackled as she rode by on her broomstick in a manner suspiciously remiscent of the Wicked Witch of the West. "Do you want to know what I did to that Bludger?"

    "It appears to be a werewolf type thingymajigger," Charlie replied sophisticatedly.

    "Myesss," agreed Bellatrix (because evil villains can't just say 'yes,' like laymen). "But that was Fenrir's doing. I put a charm on the Bludger, and, well, I think it's time for a bit of half-time entertainment. BEHOLD!"

    (100 words by Mind_Over_Matter)

    Charlie tried to hold onto the Bludger, but failed. Ignorant of this, the Snouted-Were-Bludger jumped onto the ground and began to tap-dance, singing in a high-pitched voice. The camera zoomed in, so everyone present could see it on the big screen.

    ‘They just hit me around. It’s not fair.
    They don’t understand; they don’t care!
    Although a brain, I have none,
    I feel as much as anyone.
    And yet, still, STILL, they take a bat,
    And smash me about. What’s with that?
    I pray for the day I get the sack,
    But until then, I’ll just hit them all back.’

    (29 words by Schmerg_the_Impaler)

    "Somehow, dearest, I don't think that was quite as diabolical as you intended, dearest," said Rodolphus.

    Bellatrix flipped her hair and made a snorting noise like an ill hippopotamus.

    (88 words by Mind_Over_Matter)

    “I’ll have you know that this little charm of mine is quite lethal,” she replied snootily, smashing the non-singing Bludger across the pitch at the little band of Order players. Rodolphus raised his eyebrows doubtfully as the other team scattered and Snape called a foul for ill conduct during a Time Out.

    “Oh?” Bellatrix snickered.

    “Yes, my dear. They’ll be having nightmares for weeks.”

    As the Lestrange couple giggled in their sadistic delight at Bellatrix’s plan, Harry pulled out another rulebook, three times the size of the first.

    (19 words by Schmerg_the_Impaler)

    Hippies worldwide sobbed, mourning the death of the hundreds of trees that gave their lives for this massive volume.

    (100 words by Mind_Over_Matter)

    Three hours later…

    "I knew it!" screamed Harry. "Page four thousand, two hundred and one of ‘Obscure, Often Useless Quidditch Rules’.
    'If an abnormally ugly serpentine creature happens to be playing Seeker and happens to have eaten, swallowed, absorbed or otherwise consumed the Quaffle, it is acceptable for the opposing team to demand a new Quaffle come into play, until the first can be extricated from the opposing Seeker.’ And a sharp blow to the evil team as a new rule is found..."

    "Excuse me!" interrupted Voldemort quite rudely, snatching away the book. "My snake is NOT abnormally ugly! "

    (91 words by Schmerg_the_Impaler)

    "Yeah, well, you probably think you're not abnormally ugly, either!" laughed Harry.

    "I'll have you know that several people think I'm quite the stud," Voldemort replied coldy, but Harry simply ignored him and read,

    "While the Quaffle-consuming Seeker is benched, the other, non-Quaffle-consuming Seeker must also be removed from gameplay."

    "Curses!" shouted Mad-Eye Moody, pulling over his broom and stomping off the pitch. Moody being Moody, he added, “The Unforgivable ones are the Imperius, Cruciatus, Avada Kedavra, and Bad Hair.”

    He sat down, extremely warily, on the bench next to Nagini.

    (98 words by Mind_Over_Matter)

    “Right then!” called Harry blissfully, setting the huge piles of Quidditch books beside him on fire, irritatingly useless as they were.

    From the crowd, Madam Pince screamed protests to the destruction of innocent books.

    “Right team!” called Tonks, waking the rest of the Order team from their stupors. “It’s time to get on the ball, and win back our monstrous lead.”

    Most of the team rolled their eyes, and Kingsley Shacklebolt decided to step up (as his voice sounded far more knowledgeable and wise).

    TEAM! ATTACK!” he screamed uncharacteristically, and the team sprung energetically to their respective feet.

    (98 words by Schmerg_the_Impaler)

    The entire team moved in slow motion, accompanied by the playing of “Chariots of Fire.” Then, General Uproar tripped over Charlie’s foot and impaled Mad-Eye’s magical eye on his broom handle, rather spoiling the scene.

    Nonetheless, the Order flew with unbounded energy and vigor, fueled by Kingsley’s enthusiasm and the inspirational soundtrack.

    “Tonks has the *new* Quaffle and passes to Delacour,” stated Voldemort, “And now…” he gasped. “Nagini’s going in for a dive! Either she sees the snitch, or that Quaffle she ate didn’t agree with her. And if she catches the snitch, we’ll re-capture my red-and-yellow-leather DeathPants!”

    (100 words by Mind_Over_Matter)

    “Nagini’s re-entry to the game was highly unexpected,” commentated Harry, being a commentator whose job was to commentate. “But apparently, the Quaffle she ate has been deemed ‘digested’, and both Seekers are back in play. She’s seen it and…”

    Harry paused awkwardly.

    “Did that red-headed buffoon just hit the snitch away from Nagini?” exclaimed Voldemort, horrified, “and towards the Moody character who’s fixing his magical eye?”

    “I didn’t hit anything!” yelled Ron, annoyed.

    “And as for the snitch moving,” Harry went on, covering Charlie’s sneaky move, “The Order’s fantastic luck can only be explained by the wind… Catch it, Mad-Eye!”

    (28 words by Schmerg_the_Impaler)

    And, accompanied by a pumping burst of "We Are The Champions," Mad-Eye stretched forth a scarred and knotted hand and... grasped the Snitch by a shining silver wing.

    ( 100 words by Mind_Over_Matter)

    “But… the Order can’t win!” gulped Voldemort. “My – poor Deathpants…”

    “You’re right,” agreed Rodolphus Lestrange.

    “Shall we kill them all?” suggested Bellatrix.

    “No, silly. The Order can’t win! Oi, Snapey!” he yelled. “Disqualify them – magical eyes on the field, and playing General Uproar…”

    “DARNIT,” Uproar swore. “HE’S RIGHT, FELLOWS.”

    Out broke an outbreak of chaos on the pitch, as heightened emotions (and punches) were thrown around like old bits of liver. Several Death Eaters danced, and even Peter Pettigrew waved his pompoms around. Voldemort, now the official owner of his Deathpants, screamed maniacally in happiness and randomly cursed nearby people.

    (95 words by Schmerg_the_Impaler)

    In the midst of the chaos, Harry got to his feet. “WAIT!” he bellowed.

    Everything froze, like ice, but Harry plowed on, like a zamboni. “According to The Annoyingly Big Book of Little-Known Quidditch Rules, Loopholes, and Plot Devices, if the two team captains do not shake hands at the beginning of a match, then all subsequent action is null and void.”

    “SO?” shouted some random bloke in the back row with an electric-blue mullet.

    “So, Nagini doesn’t have hands,” Harry explained. “The whole match was for nothing.”

    “Well, that’s anti-climactic,” said the random bloke.

    (100 words by Mind_Over_Matter)


    “General, please!” snapped Harry. “This is serious. What should we do?”

    I think we have no choice,” Dumbledore’s wisdom rained from the heavens and through the stadium’s loudspeakers, “but to decide which team is the least disqualified. Only then can they receive Voldy’s Deathpants.

    In a ray of white light, the Deathpants were lowered from the sky, to arrive on the random winner’s podium, a heavenly prize.


    “Woof woofy!” encouraged the Greyback hairless animally thing.

    “Grr, woof growl honk!” snapped the Lupin were-thingo, who hated being hurried.

    (99 words by Schmerg_the_Impaler)

    There was a stunned silence at this remarkable announcement, broken only by a single voice

    With immeasurable profundity, Fred and/or George Weasley muttered, “Well, bugger this.”

    Nobody else in attendance saw the twins sneak off, nor did a single being witness one of the twins flex his nimble fingers and deftly snatch the pants.

    “Let’s see how long it takes them to notice.”

    “I’m surprised nobody did.”

    “Naah, they were too busy listening to the inspirational soundtrack.”
    They glanced at Voldemort and Harry, who had their arms around each other and were swaying to “I Believe I Can Fly.”

    (100 words by Mind_Over_Matter)

    General Uproar wasn’t the most patient fellow, and (seeing as how he wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place) blinked out of that existence with one, final, inarticulate roar.

    The twins both rolled their eyes.
    “We don’t even need to try to get away with this,” Fred commented.

    Just as everything seemed freakishly easy, however, a shout could be heard.

    “Oi! Uh – stop that!”

    The twins spun around in slow motion. Standing behind them, hidden partly by shadows, were Draco Malfoy and his Slytherin non-chum Theodore Nott, both with iPods, their hair blowing in an unknown, slow-motion breeze.

    (98 words by Schmerg_the_Impaler)

    “Uh, why aren’t you distracted by the inspirational soundtrack?” asked George-or-Fred.

    Theo smirked and gave him an ironic salute with his iPod. “I have my own soundtrack,” he informed them. “Because I’m just that much of a rebel.”

    “And we’re stealing those 'Pants back for the Dark Lord!” Draco added.

    “Well, I’m not,” said Theo. “I’m just here for the kicks and the rather flattering slow-motion hair-blowing.”

    “Ignore my sidekick,” began Draco. “He—”

    “I am not your sidekick!” hissed Theo. “I’m a free man! BORRRN FREEE…!”

    Draco elbowed him and Theo stopped singing along to his iPod.

    (100 words by Mind_Over_Matter)

    With the conflict ended, the slow motion effect picked up again, as Draco moved one foot forward and drew his wand steadily.

    “Noooooow, haaand iiiit oooooooover, clooooowwnssss!”

    The slow motion effects dude got fired.

    “NOOOOO!” shouted Fred and George, jumping into heroic fighting positions, wands drawn, and tossing the Deathpants out of harm’s way. George threw a curse at Theodore Nott, who very impressively pulled out two long, spell-deflecting swords from no where. The spell rebounded like a grain of sand bouncing off a three tonne steel block, and Theo assumed dramatic battle position.

    “Yoooouu’re gooooing doooowwn,” growled Draco slowly.

    (68 words by Schmerg_the_Impaler)

    The twins did indeed go down. More specifically, they flopped down on their backs, causing Draco’s incredibly violent curses to harmlessly drift over their head and assail the man with the electric-blue mullet.
    It was only then, with the twins on the ground and no longer obstructing the lovely view, that Theo noticed something somewhat unusual going on behind them.
    “Erm,” he said, pointing casually. “That’s rather interesting.”

    (100 words by Mind_Over_Matter)

    Meanwhile, a few feet away…

    “Growl! Woof!” the creepy Greyback were-monster commented excitedly.

    “Woofety woof moo!” agreed the Lupin’s equivalent, both speeding abnormally fast towards a certain battle scene.

    “Woof,” Greyback-werewolf commented thoughtfully. “Grr goo mrph.” This meant something like, ‘I think I’d look good in those red and yellow leather pants’.

    “Prrup! Woofety,” replied Lupin-werewolf doubtfully. This basically meant, ‘don’t kid yourself, dude’.

    Greyback-wolf went for the pants, and Lupin-wolf did too, beginning a werewolf tug-a-war, accompanied by growls that were so abnormally rude, I can’t even tell you what they were in werewolf language, let alone in English.

    (61 words by Schmerg_the_Impaler)

    Remus tugged valiantly on the pants. True, Fenrir was bigger and stronger, but Remus was considerably more loveable and usually won such battles in cheesy fanfiction such as this.

    Because of this, the two giant-anorexic-chihuahua-typy things remained in a deadlock until a stroke of wolfish inspiration came to Remus's head, the only way he could wrest the pants from his quarry.

    (100 words by Mind_Over_Matter)

    The Lupin waxy-rubber-limbed-were-dog-thing carefully held on with his teeth, but used one of his waxy rubber limbs to reach for Draco’s iPod.
    The loveable underdog/vicious killer dog snatched the music player away, causing Draco to be swept away by the current sound track like everyone else, then somehow managed the tricky manoeuvre of getting the earphones on the Fenrir were-monster, before fiddling with the controls.

    For one truly horrifying Moment, Lupin-wolf’s opponent was possessed by the music of the werewolf version of Shakira, but a simple touch of the button had Greyback enlightened by musical enlightenment and doing pirouettes.

    (77 words by Schmerg_the_Impaler)

    The wolfish Remus Lupin tumbled backward with the pants and... swallowed.

    Meanwhile, Theo shook his head in disbelief as he observed the twirling werewolf. "What kind of music do you have on that thing?" he asked Draco.

    Draco's shoulders hunched up defensively. "My therapist recommended it," he muttered. "Something about soothing my tortured adolescent soul."

    Theo regarded him with a briefly contemptuous expression that then gave away to an expression of contemplation. "Can I listen?" he asked.

    (100 words by Mind_Over_Matter)

    As were-Lupin swallowed the Deathpants, there was a Moment of Total Silence (or MTS), as everyone froze, staring, and the slow-motion dude was rehired.

    “NOOOO!” screamed Voldemort, sinking to his knees in anguish.

    “WOOOHOOO!” screamed Harry and Ron, the only other people in the stadium who knew that the Deathpants were a Horcrux.

    “YIPPEE!” giggled Tonks, who was just generally a cheerful kind of lass.

    Snape rolled his eyes and stalked off the field, completely fed up with this whole affair.

    And Theodore Nott and the Greyback-wolf pirouetted again, before finishing the scene in first position, with twinkling magic fingers.


    (77 words by Schmerg_the_Impaler)

    The next morning dawned, bright and clear.

    A rather ragged-looking man with grey-flecked hair and an unshaven face groaned and stirred, sitting up with a Herculean effort. His stomach churned like an Amish woman making butter, and he wasn’t sure why. The events of the previous night were hazy.

    He stifled a belch with a scratched-up hand. Ooh… what had happened?
    A single word floated into his mind—Deathpants.

    Remus Lupin gasped… then paused… then giggled evilly.

    (100 words by Mind_Over_Matter)

    Quite a long way away from this inspirational scene of victory and nudity, Hermione and Ginny were arriving home from a sleep-over with a friend out of town. Everything seemed to be a mess.

    “What’s going on?” asked Ginny. The sound woke up Harry, who had fallen asleep under the Burrow’s table during last night’s after-party.

    “Err – nothing,” he replied guiltily. “Certainly not a highly important Quidditch game, in which Fleur Delacour and General Uproar played (neither of which have played much Quidditch) while you two, a skilled Quidditch player and a brainiac, weren’t even invited.”

    Hermione and Ginny blinked.

    The End

  2. #132
    *Does the completion dance, which involves much head bobbing and is remarkably similar to the Numa-Numa*

    Thank you SOOOO much MoM! I was kinda, well, cranky last night, so I'm sorry.

    I think we should mention that CM made the DeathPants Google document, which was a huge contribution. And Thorn made up the Deathpants themselves! They both had a LOT to contribute on the plot. This story is something especially weird, and I'm so glad that I was able to help write it!

  3. #133
    Third Year Gryffindor
    Searching for Neville's Toad
    wendelin the wierd's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Slowly decomposing
    Hey people I am back and ready for action!

    Oh wait, it's done. *mouth drops open*

    You guys finished so much. Well, no point staying away from MNFF anyway, I did really badly in the exams. (though I did score the highest in my history class) contributions. I wrote a few drabbles, and I came up with Voldy's Deathpants!

    Haven't done much then have I?

    Will you guys forgive me? *hangs head in shame*
    Banner by the wonderful Minnabird
    Author Page ~ Banner thread ~
    PI Accredition

  4. #134
    Aww - Thorn!
    I'm so sorry you didn't get the chance to be on more. But you can be very sure that what you did do went a freakishly long way ^^
    And-and-and I'm sorry it got finished without you! It's just the deadline's approaching... and I'm just thinking now that there might be more than, like, twelve hours ago.

    And guys - still, any changes can go in until the deadline. Last minute contributions - the HTML tags took a ridiculously long time so I'm completely all for making it just perfect^^

  5. #135
    You guys are fantastic. I really needed that laugh.

    Sorry to have bugged out on you like that, but my mother died, I'm the oldest, and I had a great deal of family matters to attend to. I'm still going to be stupid busy for the next few weeks at least, but I'm glad you got this done. *hug*

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