Hey! I have been having some big troubles with my description of Draco being OOC. I am writing a mystery story with Draco as the antagonist. I am hoping that someone will be able to point out the definite OOC-ness and make some suggestions on how to fix it!
Here is the passage that seems OOC. Thank you in advance!
“How could I?” Draco spat. “How could you think that I would marry someone as ugly as you? As if I could spend the rest of my life with someone as annoying as you, fat chance! Mother should have known better than to think that she could barter with my life. Especially for something as trivial as revenge against her sister?”
Harry raised his eyebrows at Draco’s tirade.
“I saw Pansy leave the compartment. I had a feeling she was up to something. She claimed that she was hungry, and that she was going to talk to the Trolley Witch about some treats.”
Harry motioned to everyone to remain quiet while Draco finished his explanation.
“After she left, I stunned Crabbe and Goyle. I left them in the compartment so it appeared that they were sleeping. I made my way to the bathroom, since it was located directly across from the Trolley Witch’s compartment. Silently, I crept up to the open sliding door. Pansy had forgotten to close it all the way, just like she did at Hogwarts. It was then that I overheard Mother, offering my life in exchange for her pitiful revenge.”
Fred snorted, interrupting the explanation. “Please continue, Mr. Malfoy.” Fred continued to snicker behind his hand.
“I felt the rage that usually simmered deep inside me rise to the surface. I grabbed a pinch of Peruvian Instant Darkness powder and flung it into the compartment. I upended the trolley in my haste to get at Mother. The trolley must have tripped Mother, knocking her to the floor. I heard Pansy scuffling in the darkness. That must have been when she stepped on the robes. Pansy finally left, running like a scared little witch. I leapt at Mother, attempting to hit her for her betrayal. I tripped on one of the legs of the trolley. I landed in a pile of chocolate frogs, smearing that crap all over my hands.”
It was George that interrupted this time. “Don’t talk about chocolate frogs like that,” he warned. “They are the most fabulous treat ever invented.”
“When the darkness cleared, I saw that Mother was laughing at me. I became so enraged that I attacked her. I wrapped my hands around her throat and squeezed the life out of her.”
Draco hung his head for a moment before continuing.
“I feel to my knees when my task was done. My hand hit a small bottle of perfume that must have fallen from Pansy’s robes. I took some of the treats from the trolley, doused the room with her perfume, and returned to the compartment.”
“You deliberately tried to frame me,” Pansy accused.
“Yeah, I did,” Draco retorted. “So what?”
“You bastard,” she cried. “I can’t believe I helped you plot against Dumbledore. No wonder you couldn’t kill him. You’re just a whiny little brat. You’ve never done anything of importance in your life. You’ve failed at everything you’ve attempted…”
Draco’s furious voice interrupted her outburst. “Actually, my dear, I’ve accomplished two things in my life. I killed Mother and, I’ve succeeded in getting out of marrying you. You could say I killed two birds with one pair of hands.”
Draco laughed maniacally as Fred and George conjured ropes to hold him until they pulled into Kings Cross Station.