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  1. #1
    khrys
    Guest

    Draco Malfoy

    Hey! I have been having some big troubles with my description of Draco being OOC. I am writing a mystery story with Draco as the antagonist. I am hoping that someone will be able to point out the definite OOC-ness and make some suggestions on how to fix it!

    Here is the passage that seems OOC. Thank you in advance!

    “How could I?” Draco spat. “How could you think that I would marry someone as ugly as you? As if I could spend the rest of my life with someone as annoying as you, fat chance! Mother should have known better than to think that she could barter with my life. Especially for something as trivial as revenge against her sister?”

    Harry raised his eyebrows at Draco’s tirade.

    “I saw Pansy leave the compartment. I had a feeling she was up to something. She claimed that she was hungry, and that she was going to talk to the Trolley Witch about some treats.”

    Harry motioned to everyone to remain quiet while Draco finished his explanation.

    “After she left, I stunned Crabbe and Goyle. I left them in the compartment so it appeared that they were sleeping. I made my way to the bathroom, since it was located directly across from the Trolley Witch’s compartment. Silently, I crept up to the open sliding door. Pansy had forgotten to close it all the way, just like she did at Hogwarts. It was then that I overheard Mother, offering my life in exchange for her pitiful revenge.”

    Fred snorted, interrupting the explanation. “Please continue, Mr. Malfoy.” Fred continued to snicker behind his hand.

    “I felt the rage that usually simmered deep inside me rise to the surface. I grabbed a pinch of Peruvian Instant Darkness powder and flung it into the compartment. I upended the trolley in my haste to get at Mother. The trolley must have tripped Mother, knocking her to the floor. I heard Pansy scuffling in the darkness. That must have been when she stepped on the robes. Pansy finally left, running like a scared little witch. I leapt at Mother, attempting to hit her for her betrayal. I tripped on one of the legs of the trolley. I landed in a pile of chocolate frogs, smearing that crap all over my hands.”

    It was George that interrupted this time. “Don’t talk about chocolate frogs like that,” he warned. “They are the most fabulous treat ever invented.”

    “When the darkness cleared, I saw that Mother was laughing at me. I became so enraged that I attacked her. I wrapped my hands around her throat and squeezed the life out of her.”

    Draco hung his head for a moment before continuing.

    “I feel to my knees when my task was done. My hand hit a small bottle of perfume that must have fallen from Pansy’s robes. I took some of the treats from the trolley, doused the room with her perfume, and returned to the compartment.”

    “You deliberately tried to frame me,” Pansy accused.

    “Yeah, I did,” Draco retorted. “So what?”

    “You bastard,” she cried. “I can’t believe I helped you plot against Dumbledore. No wonder you couldn’t kill him. You’re just a whiny little brat. You’ve never done anything of importance in your life. You’ve failed at everything you’ve attempted…”

    Draco’s furious voice interrupted her outburst. “Actually, my dear, I’ve accomplished two things in my life. I killed Mother and, I’ve succeeded in getting out of marrying you. You could say I killed two birds with one pair of hands.”

    Draco laughed maniacally as Fred and George conjured ropes to hold him until they pulled into Kings Cross Station.

  2. #2
    cmwinters
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by khrys
    “How could I?” Draco spat. “How could you think that I would marry someone as ugly as you? As if I could spend the rest of my life with someone as annoying as you,
    I seriously doubt Draco would ever say this to Pansy. Possibly, he would say it to Hermione if he were by some ill-begotten law forced into a marriage with her, but Pansy dotes on him and he soaks it up.

    Quote Originally Posted by khrys
    "... fat chance!
    This phrase, as well as "crap", "treats" and "squeezed the life out of her" are just not things I can see Draco saying.

    You might want to think about getting a Brit-picker beta as well as a "regular" beta. They do not necessarily have to be the same person. However, those words strike me as middle-class American, rather than upper-class British.

    Quote Originally Posted by khrys
    Mother should have known better than to think that she could barter with my life. Especially for something as trivial as revenge against her sister?”

    *snip*

    “I saw Pansy leave the compartment. I had a feeling she was up to something. She claimed that she was hungry, and that she was going to talk to the Trolley Witch about some treats.”

    *snip*

    “After she left, I stunned Crabbe and Goyle. I left them in the compartment so it appeared that they were sleeping. I made my way to the bathroom, since it was located directly across from the Trolley Witch’s compartment. Silently, I crept up to the open sliding door. Pansy had forgotten to close it all the way, just like she did at Hogwarts. It was then that I overheard Mother, offering my life in exchange for her pitiful revenge.”

    *snip*

    “I felt the rage that usually simmered deep inside me rise to the surface. I grabbed a pinch of Peruvian Instant Darkness powder and flung it into the compartment. I upended the trolley in my haste to get at Mother. The trolley must have tripped Mother, knocking her to the floor. I heard Pansy scuffling in the darkness. That must have been when she stepped on the robes. Pansy finally left, running like a scared little witch. I leapt at Mother, attempting to hit her for her betrayal. I tripped on one of the legs of the trolley. I landed in a pile of chocolate frogs, smearing that crap all over my hands.”
    Had Draco just been given Veritaserum? He *never* states what he's done in this manner, and unless he's under Imperio or the influence of a potion, or took a *really* good whack to the head, I simply can't see him saying "the rage that usually simmered deep inside me", or any of the rest of it. He would not stun Crabbe & Goyle, largely because they appear to be too stupid to need to be stunned. He'd just tell them "stay here" and they'd nod sycophantically and mumble something like "uhm, ok boss". He would also not call Pansy a "scared little witch". And as much as he appears to worship his mother (he was willing to risk his own life for her), I doubt he'd attack her. And certainly not bodily.

    Quote Originally Posted by khrys
    It was George that interrupted this time. “Don’t talk about chocolate frogs like that,” he warned. “They are the most fabulous treat ever invented.”
    Having seen only a short excerpt of your fic, I'm entirely unsure what this passage has to do with anything? In this particular context, it's quite jarring.

    Quote Originally Posted by khrys
    “When the darkness cleared, I saw that Mother was laughing at me. I became so enraged that I attacked her. I wrapped my hands around her throat and squeezed the life out of her.”
    Narcissa would not laugh at Draco, unless he was going out of his way to make her laugh. Bellatrix might do it, but Narcissa wouldn't.

    Excellent thorough feedback - 5 points to Slytherin

  3. #3
    Periwinkle
    Guest
    This seems more like an excerpt, and is more appropriate for the Excerpts of Murtlap forum here. You'll get a better understanding of how OOC Draco is there.
    This forum is for posting your queries on canon characters, rather, and having members discuss it. GringottsVault711 said the following should go under this subforum:
    Quote Originally Posted by Jenna
    Everything to do with Canon Characters -- meaning all Canon Character discussion threads, general characterisation discussions, Canon Character Pairing threads -- will be in the Canon Character forum.

  4. #4
    khrys
    Guest
    I'm sorry. I'm a bit new to this. I need help with OOC-ness. The announcement under Canon Characters says that this is the place to discuss characterisation of a Canon Character.

    CMWinters- Thank you so much for your helpful suggestions. I know that he wouldn't say those things normally. I was thinking along the lines that...maybe some backstory would be helpful, eh?

    Draco kills his mother, sorry, it's part of the plot, and he has taken Polyjuice Potion to hide on the train. He is discovered, caught and his dastardly plot exposed. I was thinking that Harry could slip him something to ensure that he told the truth, but I wanted him to be so enraged with what happened that he just spilled his guts to the entire group.

    He didn't want to marry Pansy, and he was furious at his mother for offering him as a prize if Pansy did her dirty work. I was thinking along the lines that while Draco enjoyed Pansy's simpering and doting, that he would never truly *want* to marry her.

    I really need help with Draco's characterisation, not the excerpt itself. I just included that to help explain what I was working with. Although, I'm not sure that I'm working with much. I might need to scrap the ending and come up with something new entirely once I understand more about Draco himself. Help!

  5. #5
    GringottsVault711
    Guest
    It's fine. The purpose of the except was to get feedback on characterisation, so it does belong her. Excerpts of Murtlap is for all around feedback on structure and dialogue and grammar, etc;

  6. #6
    AJ Seawiel
    Guest
    Okay, I'm going to act like a good little beta should here and help you with characterization.

    Draco kills his mother, sorry, it's part of the plot...
    I, personally, would have trouble believing this in a plotline. Even if he was threatened by Voldemort, or another Death Eater, I don't believe he'd kill her. Draco is very attached to his mother, as was proved in GOF and HBP. (Please check "Spinner's End" for references.) If this occured, I would assume Draco would help his mother escape and act as if he killed her. (Not entirely sure if this would work as Voldemort has some way of knowing everything but he seems like the type that would try.) I myself could only see Draco harming his mother if under the Imperious Curse.

    ...and he has taken Polyjuice Potion to hide on the train...
    Hopefully this is set after fifth year because if it isn't, Draco wouldn't have learned how to make Polyjuice Potion. Unless his family owned a copy of "Moste Potent Potions."

    ...He is discovered, caught and his dastardly plot exposed...
    How? Did the Polyjuice Potion wear off on the train, because unless this happened, or he was completely out of character for the student he'd impersonated I don't think he'd be caught. You have to remember that Draco isn't stupid, I'm sure he'd find a way to keep the student he impersonated from running in and blowing his cover.

    ...I was thinking that Harry could slip him something to ensure that he told the truth, but I wanted him to be so enraged with what happened that he just spilled his guts to the entire group...
    How would Harry get a hold of such truth serum? I would think only professors and other adult wizards would be able to brew it. Unless Hermione did it for him of course, but why would he need it in the first place?

    Since Draco is a very head-strong, stubborn young man, do you really think he'd just spill his story out in rage? I think he'd try to keep it quiet as long as possible. Harry and his friends would be hard-pressed to get THAT kind of secret out of him; especially since he's never given into peer pressure from them before. He just dishes it right back. I believe he'd do the same in this circumstance both to protect himself (as a Slytherin) and those he works for.

    ...He didn't want to marry Pansy, and he was furious at his mother for offering him as a prize if Pansy did her dirty work...
    Ah. So this is the cause of Draco's murderous attitude? Well I suppose we have to look into Narcissa's character a bit then don't we? (If you want this to remain canon) If you've read "Spinner's End" then you'd know that Narcissa's character is developed a lot in that chapter. In that chapter she is described as a loving mother - with a few faults - who holds nothing but affection and love for her son. She goes to the person she trusts most to protect her son because she wants what's best for him - life. Does that sound like a mother who would sell her son as a prize for Pansy's bidding?

    You also have to think about Draco as well. Being the strong, stubborn, pampered Slytherin he is, do you think he's sit back and let Pansy marry him? I believe he'd only settle to an arranged marriage if it was what Narcissa truly wanted and thought would be best for him. I also don't think he'd go down without a fight if he really loathed her.

    ...I was thinking along the lines that while Draco enjoyed Pansy's simpering and doting, that he would never truly *want* to marry her...
    Good. I too think Draco would enjoy being the magnet of women's affection. And yet, he would keep his feet firmly planted to the ground about what he wants - without being too egotisical over it.


    ^^ Just a few things to keep in mind while writing Draco

    [/beta mode]

    Hope I helped, good luck!
    AJ

    Fantastic post! 10 points to Slyth

  7. #7
    b_reeger
    Guest

    Animagus

    I am writing a story in which Draco must become an Animagus. What creature do you feel would be appropriate for him and why? ( I am looking for something besides the obvious snake, bat, etc. )

  8. #8
    mecredi
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by b_reeger
    I am writing a story in which Draco must become an Animagus. What creature do you feel would be appropriate for him and why? ( I am looking for something besides the obvious snake, bat, etc. )
    Yeah, snake or bat would be too cliche.
    I think Draco's personality would lead him to an animal that is smart, selfish, and ambitious. I think a cat could work; they're intelligent, lazy, introverted, and I guess you could say ambitious as they get everything they want and then turn around and bite you later. Cats are, however, quite girly, and McGonnagall is one. I definitely don't think that McGonnagall and Draco are that alike.

    Birds are too stupid; dogs too open and honest.

    I could see him as a horse. Which sounds unflattering, but horses all have fiesty streaks, they are lazy sometimes, but also run around and buck. They can be selfish. (A horse at my barn used to pee in his food so the other horse in his paddock wouldn't eat it.) They're not afraid to bite/insult other horses if they get in their way. They still have comraderie with those like them, which I think is very much a Slytherin trait. They still bend to the alpha, like Draco and his father. They scorn authority that they disagree with. (Try getting a horse to m ake a left turn when it really wants to go right. Like Draco and Dumbledore.)
    I think if you amped the "stallion-ness" of it, it might seem a bit too FanGirl!Draco.

    Good luck!

    5 points to Slytherin

  9. #9
    EyeEetStrudel
    Guest
    Well, I sat staring in space about this for ten minutes and couldn't comne up with anything. Though, when I asked my mom, she said a weasel, because they're like ferrets, only wild... I know absolutely nothing about ferrets/weasels, so I don't know how that is like Draco at all, except that he was once turned into a ferret against his will.

    Does a wizard's Animagus always have to be of a "Muggle" animal? Couldn't it, theorectically, be a magical creature, too? I don't know which creature Draco would be, but it's something to chew on, eh?

  10. #10
    b_reeger
    Guest
    You know, I hadn't thought about that. I'll have to take a look into some of the magical creatures and see if anything strikes a nerve. I did like the idea of the stallion, it's really good, and I liked the explanation behind it. If anyone else has an idea, feel free to let me know !!!

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