Thanks to everyone for all your help, I knew there was something off about that part, I just couldn't quite tell what. What you've all said makes sense, thank you! I've changed up the request a little bit, it's the first time Lily "defies" Voldemort, and here's how it's worded now:
“Join my followers, and you will become my right hand <i>woman</i>. I will make sure you receive the most respect of any witch ever deemed worthy of it. You could be very valuable to me, and I could be very valuable to you.”
“In what ways?” I asked as Voldemort motioned for Malfoy to let go of me.
“I’ll keep you alive,” he replied.
“How would I be valuable to you?”
“I have heard from some very reliable servants that your skill in Potions outshines any other’s. There are some potions I would like made for me, and according to said informants, you are the smartest choice to make them.”
If you have any adjustments to make, please tell me =].