To be completely honest with you, the last part sounded... odd. I don't know how to put it, but I find the idea of Voldemort wanting help from THE 'mudblood' who 'thrice defied' him unrealistic. Let alone him wanting a
Thanks to everyone for all your help, I knew there was something off about that part, I just couldn't quite tell what. What you've all said makes sense, thank you! I've changed up the request a little bit, it's the first time Lily "defies" Voldemort, and here's how it's worded now:
“Join my followers, and you will become my right hand <i>woman</i>. I will make sure you receive the most respect of any witch ever deemed worthy of it. You could be very valuable to me, and I could be very valuable to you.”
“In what ways?” I asked as Voldemort motioned for Malfoy to let go of me.
“I’ll keep you alive,” he replied.
“How would I be valuable to you?”
“I have heard from some very reliable servants that your skill in Potions outshines any other’s. There are some potions I would like made for me, and according to said informants, you are the smartest choice to make them.”
If you have any adjustments to make, please tell me =].
If I were Voldemort and I was choosing between Snape and Lily, I wouldn't think twice. Snape - ugly and unpopular. Lily - extremly pretty and popular. If you are still intending to use the part of the first extract where he wanted... something else in your story, than I could especially understand why Lily would be first choice. Pretty, intelligent and useful in... a few ways, she would be way preferable to some ugly boy who would have only one purpose.
Well said. =)
I agree that he's spent so much time trying to dehumanize himself and separating himself from anyone else that he's not very likely to like Lily in that way. Voldemort is all about trying to separate himself from being human, and having a relationship would get in the way of that. Also, is even Lily pretty enough to overcome her being a 'mudblood'? However is there another reason he would want to keep her alive? Perhaps her potions skills? If he had managed to hear about him anyway. Just a thought.